passion tea lemonade moments...

So after a long afternoon of work, I met up with Joanna and we went rollerblading/biking. It was a good outlet for the lingering energy I had. I like this routine we've developed and hope that we can maintain it as long as the weather holds out. Being allergic to the cold is severely limiting when you happen to live in Canada.

I met up with Kandi and we ended up at Starbucks; she had a deep craving for the passion tea lemonade. What followed was a deep, profound, and interesting discussion.

Our self-perception is shaped by how others view us; this, I do know. My own self-perception is further solidified by how my friends see me. Even still, I think they often see me as a better person than I really am.

I know I am incredibly self-reliant but this is neither a virtue nor a fault. I have been shaped by the circumstances of my life and had no choice but to learn from a very early age to take care of myself. I'm not saddened or upset by this; it's all I've ever really known. I don't know what it's like to have someone take care of me; that rarely happens. I am my own limit. I create the obstacles in my path and therefore I am responsible for removing them.

This self-deprecation is probably why I don't view my life as tragic or awful; it simply is. These are the circumstances I was given and the cards that I was dealt. It is up to me to create the life I want.

rainy days and chocolates

So yesterday I went on a hunt for chocolate and hit up the good old Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. Loaded up on some dark chocolate goodness which should last me a few weeks, if not months.

It helped since I've been craving dark chocolate lately. One or two bites is generally good enough to satisfy the sugar craving.

I'm watching my weight these days. Sad as it is, I'm starting to believe that I've come to that age where enough is enough. If I continue down this road, my waistline is going to balloon like mad and there won't be anything I could really do to mitigate it.

I don't ever plan to settle down, raise babies, and have that happily ever after fairytale ending. I've done a lot of soul-searching in the past two years and slowly, that dream has died. It's a wistful thought in the back of my mind but in all honesty, I don't really see that picture perfect life for myself. You know, it's okay if life doesn't turn out the way society thinks it's supposed to.

Don't get me wrong, I do have those moments where I think it would be nice to have someone to come home to. But that's not how I'm going to live my life. I'm not going to look for a future husband.

After all, I really don't think he exists out there.

Update

Okay, it has clearly been a few years since I've updated this thing.

A few quick updated facts about my current life:

I am single and have been for quite a while
I am currently back living with mom (although really, I'm paying all the bills so what gives?)
I am currently working for the public sector although my contract is about to end

I still don't know what to do with my life

I'm back and making my daily musings. Hopefully this will help me jump-start some inspiration.

the hits just keep on coming

It has been a horrible two months. First with his death, I lost a friend whose importance in my life was unprecedented. I never realized how much I loved him until he was gone.

Then the hits just kept coming. One disaster or emergency after another. I'm so worn out by it all. I thought that things would at least taper off or plateau.

I didn't expect him to end it today. I don't know why I'm shocked but I am. My heart aches and mostly because of the "what if's". Maybe I'm delusional or blinded by wishes. I'm caught off guard. Disappointed, with him and with myself. I know this will ease but still... The "what if's" haunt me.

It's so discouraging. This is on top of everything else. I'm so weary that I just don't feel strong enough to handle it all anymore. I'm so battered by it all; physically, emotionally, mentally.

I just want to breathe again and feel hope for a better tomorrow. A warm pair of arms to hug me and make the world go away momentarily. I'm so tired.

rollercoaster riding..

i feel like i've been up and down a rollercoaster since the first date. it sucks because i went from sort of interested to completely spellbound.

i'm in the process of trying to get over it all. this level of fascination over one person is not healthy. at least, i don't think it's healthy for me. i don't like it and i will get over it.

so i saw him yesterday, briefly. we didn't really talk. i guess my good intentions just flew out the window, much like my self-control. it happens, i suppose.

my heart hurts because she's in pain. i love my friends, i really do and when they're hurting it hurts me too. i wish there was some way to make it all better but short of commiting homocide, there's nothing i can do. i want her to be okay again.

i'm restless these days. trying to fill my time with amusement and distractions. it's a lovely time of year to pick up something new.

he's just not that into you

so i read the book for some insight. i started dating again a little while back. July maybe? i have no idea. i was bored and it seemed to relieve the monotone that is life at the moment. well, boy did things change..

so i met a few people, talked, went out, had drinks, etc. for the most part, it was fun and entertaining. at one point i was talking to so many guys, i lost count of who was who. then, a random message that pricked my curiosity. i replied, he replied back and the next thing i knew, i was on another date.

one date led to more talking and the next thing i knew, we were on another date. it's been more than a month and i'm still not sure. is he into me? i have no idea.

so reading the book, i figured out that i was already doing what greg had advised. i guess my self-preservation instincts are pretty refined. but with him, i'm so caught up. trying to play it cool so did not work but neither did doing the girly thing. that is so not me. but the book did help clarify something: my instincts are on the ball and really, I AM worth the effort. so he'll either shape up and make some real effort or we're done.

right now, i'm so not liking the feeling. you know the one i'm talking about. butterflies launching a systemic attack in your tummy. the elation and uplift when he calls or says something sweet. i hate that feeling. i don't want it unless things are clear. i want to know that the feelings are warranted, that he's really into me. otherwise, they're just false hope.

just follow the yellow brick road...

i've been feeling rather peculiar lately. as if my life needs to be reorganized and my goals reevaluated. no doubt, that is exactly what i should be doing. i find it surreal to think of the past year; who i was and where i was a year ago. there is no doubt that i was a different person living a different life a year ago. as hard as everything was, as difficult, it was also somewhat easier. a year ago, i had just finished my undergrad and had a clear trajectory of where my life was headed. i thought it was all layed out in front of me and all i had to do was follow the yellow-brick road to the wizard who would grant me my heart's desire. like dorothy, i found that it wasn't so simple as that. unlike dorothy, i couldn't click my heals three time and wish that there was "no place like home". admittedly, there is no place like home. and yet, i'm still adrift because i don't really know where home is.

as crazy and frustrating as it is right now, i'm finding it easier to breathe. i don't know what i'm going to do or where i'm going to go but for now, it's okay. i'm taking it one step at a time and finding that i don't mind the person i've become and where i am in my life. wishing is nice because it keeps hope alive. but having faith that everything will work itself out makes it easier to live one day at a time.