the hits just keep on coming

It has been a horrible two months. First with his death, I lost a friend whose importance in my life was unprecedented. I never realized how much I loved him until he was gone.

Then the hits just kept coming. One disaster or emergency after another. I'm so worn out by it all. I thought that things would at least taper off or plateau.

I didn't expect him to end it today. I don't know why I'm shocked but I am. My heart aches and mostly because of the "what if's". Maybe I'm delusional or blinded by wishes. I'm caught off guard. Disappointed, with him and with myself. I know this will ease but still... The "what if's" haunt me.

It's so discouraging. This is on top of everything else. I'm so weary that I just don't feel strong enough to handle it all anymore. I'm so battered by it all; physically, emotionally, mentally.

I just want to breathe again and feel hope for a better tomorrow. A warm pair of arms to hug me and make the world go away momentarily. I'm so tired.

rollercoaster riding..

i feel like i've been up and down a rollercoaster since the first date. it sucks because i went from sort of interested to completely spellbound.

i'm in the process of trying to get over it all. this level of fascination over one person is not healthy. at least, i don't think it's healthy for me. i don't like it and i will get over it.

so i saw him yesterday, briefly. we didn't really talk. i guess my good intentions just flew out the window, much like my self-control. it happens, i suppose.

my heart hurts because she's in pain. i love my friends, i really do and when they're hurting it hurts me too. i wish there was some way to make it all better but short of commiting homocide, there's nothing i can do. i want her to be okay again.

i'm restless these days. trying to fill my time with amusement and distractions. it's a lovely time of year to pick up something new.

he's just not that into you

so i read the book for some insight. i started dating again a little while back. July maybe? i have no idea. i was bored and it seemed to relieve the monotone that is life at the moment. well, boy did things change..

so i met a few people, talked, went out, had drinks, etc. for the most part, it was fun and entertaining. at one point i was talking to so many guys, i lost count of who was who. then, a random message that pricked my curiosity. i replied, he replied back and the next thing i knew, i was on another date.

one date led to more talking and the next thing i knew, we were on another date. it's been more than a month and i'm still not sure. is he into me? i have no idea.

so reading the book, i figured out that i was already doing what greg had advised. i guess my self-preservation instincts are pretty refined. but with him, i'm so caught up. trying to play it cool so did not work but neither did doing the girly thing. that is so not me. but the book did help clarify something: my instincts are on the ball and really, I AM worth the effort. so he'll either shape up and make some real effort or we're done.

right now, i'm so not liking the feeling. you know the one i'm talking about. butterflies launching a systemic attack in your tummy. the elation and uplift when he calls or says something sweet. i hate that feeling. i don't want it unless things are clear. i want to know that the feelings are warranted, that he's really into me. otherwise, they're just false hope.

just follow the yellow brick road...

i've been feeling rather peculiar lately. as if my life needs to be reorganized and my goals reevaluated. no doubt, that is exactly what i should be doing. i find it surreal to think of the past year; who i was and where i was a year ago. there is no doubt that i was a different person living a different life a year ago. as hard as everything was, as difficult, it was also somewhat easier. a year ago, i had just finished my undergrad and had a clear trajectory of where my life was headed. i thought it was all layed out in front of me and all i had to do was follow the yellow-brick road to the wizard who would grant me my heart's desire. like dorothy, i found that it wasn't so simple as that. unlike dorothy, i couldn't click my heals three time and wish that there was "no place like home". admittedly, there is no place like home. and yet, i'm still adrift because i don't really know where home is.

as crazy and frustrating as it is right now, i'm finding it easier to breathe. i don't know what i'm going to do or where i'm going to go but for now, it's okay. i'm taking it one step at a time and finding that i don't mind the person i've become and where i am in my life. wishing is nice because it keeps hope alive. but having faith that everything will work itself out makes it easier to live one day at a time.

the curse of the threes

i honestly thought that i had broken my string of bad luck concerning the number three. apparently, i was wrong. it was shortly after our third month that he started acting weird. and now it's over. i guess i'm still reeling from the suddenness of it. it hurts.

coming soon...

i realize that i really need to do an update. one is forthcoming. after tuesday.

new york, new york, it's a hell of a town..

so i'll be leaving for NYC again tomorrow night. in between now and then i have some chores to finish up. they include:

-cleaning my room
-doing the dishes
-shower and shave
-class
-pack
-make sure the cat is fed and taken care of

all the minutae that accompanies a trip must be completed before i can leave. it promises to be an exciting trip and i am pretty excited. i have two anxieties: meeting his family and getting across the border. wish me luck.