the hits just keep on coming

It has been a horrible two months. First with his death, I lost a friend whose importance in my life was unprecedented. I never realized how much I loved him until he was gone.

Then the hits just kept coming. One disaster or emergency after another. I'm so worn out by it all. I thought that things would at least taper off or plateau.

I didn't expect him to end it today. I don't know why I'm shocked but I am. My heart aches and mostly because of the "what if's". Maybe I'm delusional or blinded by wishes. I'm caught off guard. Disappointed, with him and with myself. I know this will ease but still... The "what if's" haunt me.

It's so discouraging. This is on top of everything else. I'm so weary that I just don't feel strong enough to handle it all anymore. I'm so battered by it all; physically, emotionally, mentally.

I just want to breathe again and feel hope for a better tomorrow. A warm pair of arms to hug me and make the world go away momentarily. I'm so tired.

rollercoaster riding..

i feel like i've been up and down a rollercoaster since the first date. it sucks because i went from sort of interested to completely spellbound.

i'm in the process of trying to get over it all. this level of fascination over one person is not healthy. at least, i don't think it's healthy for me. i don't like it and i will get over it.

so i saw him yesterday, briefly. we didn't really talk. i guess my good intentions just flew out the window, much like my self-control. it happens, i suppose.

my heart hurts because she's in pain. i love my friends, i really do and when they're hurting it hurts me too. i wish there was some way to make it all better but short of commiting homocide, there's nothing i can do. i want her to be okay again.

i'm restless these days. trying to fill my time with amusement and distractions. it's a lovely time of year to pick up something new.

he's just not that into you

so i read the book for some insight. i started dating again a little while back. July maybe? i have no idea. i was bored and it seemed to relieve the monotone that is life at the moment. well, boy did things change..

so i met a few people, talked, went out, had drinks, etc. for the most part, it was fun and entertaining. at one point i was talking to so many guys, i lost count of who was who. then, a random message that pricked my curiosity. i replied, he replied back and the next thing i knew, i was on another date.

one date led to more talking and the next thing i knew, we were on another date. it's been more than a month and i'm still not sure. is he into me? i have no idea.

so reading the book, i figured out that i was already doing what greg had advised. i guess my self-preservation instincts are pretty refined. but with him, i'm so caught up. trying to play it cool so did not work but neither did doing the girly thing. that is so not me. but the book did help clarify something: my instincts are on the ball and really, I AM worth the effort. so he'll either shape up and make some real effort or we're done.

right now, i'm so not liking the feeling. you know the one i'm talking about. butterflies launching a systemic attack in your tummy. the elation and uplift when he calls or says something sweet. i hate that feeling. i don't want it unless things are clear. i want to know that the feelings are warranted, that he's really into me. otherwise, they're just false hope.

just follow the yellow brick road...

i've been feeling rather peculiar lately. as if my life needs to be reorganized and my goals reevaluated. no doubt, that is exactly what i should be doing. i find it surreal to think of the past year; who i was and where i was a year ago. there is no doubt that i was a different person living a different life a year ago. as hard as everything was, as difficult, it was also somewhat easier. a year ago, i had just finished my undergrad and had a clear trajectory of where my life was headed. i thought it was all layed out in front of me and all i had to do was follow the yellow-brick road to the wizard who would grant me my heart's desire. like dorothy, i found that it wasn't so simple as that. unlike dorothy, i couldn't click my heals three time and wish that there was "no place like home". admittedly, there is no place like home. and yet, i'm still adrift because i don't really know where home is.

as crazy and frustrating as it is right now, i'm finding it easier to breathe. i don't know what i'm going to do or where i'm going to go but for now, it's okay. i'm taking it one step at a time and finding that i don't mind the person i've become and where i am in my life. wishing is nice because it keeps hope alive. but having faith that everything will work itself out makes it easier to live one day at a time.

the curse of the threes

i honestly thought that i had broken my string of bad luck concerning the number three. apparently, i was wrong. it was shortly after our third month that he started acting weird. and now it's over. i guess i'm still reeling from the suddenness of it. it hurts.

coming soon...

i realize that i really need to do an update. one is forthcoming. after tuesday.

new york, new york, it's a hell of a town..

so i'll be leaving for NYC again tomorrow night. in between now and then i have some chores to finish up. they include:

-cleaning my room
-doing the dishes
-shower and shave
-class
-pack
-make sure the cat is fed and taken care of

all the minutae that accompanies a trip must be completed before i can leave. it promises to be an exciting trip and i am pretty excited. i have two anxieties: meeting his family and getting across the border. wish me luck.

counting down

it's exactly one month until my 23rd birthday. it's funny, i haven't even gotten used to being 22 yet and now i'll be another year older. this last year was crazy. what exactly happened?

-i broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years
-graduated university
-lived and worked in Korea
-went to Cambodia
-took huge trips by myself
-had a summer romance
-moved to a different city
-began post-graduate education
-reconnected with my girls
-quit my job
-began teaching and TA'ing
-took a trip with the girls
-met a new boy
-started dating again
-trips last year: Cambodia, Korea, Kingston, New York
-my family moved
-my dog died

22 was full of amazing, heartbreaking, tragic, exhilarating moments. i hope 23 surpasses it.

i'm gonna be a shining star

do you ever sometimes get the feeling that you're meant to do special, amazing things? i used to feel like that when i was younger. at some point in time, it feels like the spark faded and i'm left with graphite instead of diamonds. the world is my oyster and i forgot the sauce. i freak out at how old i'm getting and the lack of accomplishments in my life. when we're kids, we measure time by all the crazy, wonderful, scary things that we do; the moments in our lives. according to that measurement principle, i've certainly lacked progress. i'm bound for a great accomplishment soon, right? i feel like i'm pushing a boulder uphill and with each step, the rock doubles in size. so by now, i'm trying to push a mountain. it's so hard sometimes that all i want to do is rest in the shade and hope that when the sun rises, i can actually see beyond the clouds.

wasting time...

i've spent the last few hours on the phone and reading postsecret messages on the facebook page/group. some of that stuff is so depressing and heartbreaking. it's awful to think that no one could understand or is willing to listen to you. for a long time, that was how i lived my life; thinking that no one cared or that they would judge instead of trying to understand. it's a growing up process that allows you to step back and put things into perspective again. i'm tired of secrets. here are mine:

i hate the selfish, narcissistic person i was. and secretly fear that i will be that person again.
i lied. i'm sorry but the truth would hurt you more.
i hate your self-righteousness. that's why i hated telling you anything. you don't know me.
i'm sorry. but i love myself more and i can't turn my back on me.
i fear the future. i don't know what to do with my life. i fear failure.
i'm not afraid to fall in love again. i'm afraid of the choices that accompany it.
i often wonder if i'm making a big mistake.
i'm afraid to go back because i'm afraid to face him. i'm scared to see disappointment in his eyes.
my heart hurts when she hurts. but i don't know how to end it.
i want someone willing to lay the world at my feet. even though i wouldn't want him to.
i know i would be a wonderful mother. i'm just afraid that i won't have that opportunity.
one day i'll stop wishing i could be a different person for you.
i hope that someday i can look in the mirror and believe that i am beautiful.
i'm really not that smart.

dilemmas

so it turns out that C can't come to New York with me in February. we were supposed to go for 5 days and i was really looking forward to it but she has to work. things in the food industry have been slow so the weekend that we were going to be away turns out to be the busiest in recent memory. i've attempted to reschedule and the next available weekend is the first weekend of March. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't mind going to new york twice but i don't want to ruin it and wear out my welcome. so my dilemma at the moment is this:

do i go in february and march? do i wait till march so both me and C can go at once? or do i just go in february?

i'm still working out all the drawbacks and benefits. i also need to work out my budget. i wish this was easier.

the waiting game...

sometimes i feel like i've spent my whole life waiting. when i was a kid, i waited to grow up. i waited for the first day of school, waited for winter break, waited to go back to school, waited for summer vacation. i waited for my first kiss, waited for my bff's to talk to me again after a bad fight. i waited to graduate and waited for my driver's license. always waiting. there was always something out of reach, something that i had to wait for. i waited for the pain to fade after my first heartbreak, waited for the boy to break my heart again after he made me believe that he wouldn't. i waited for the right moment to end things, waited for the awkwardness to pass, waited to be friends again. i've waited to fall in love again. . .

. . . and now i'm waiting to see where this all goes.

back in the grind

the weekend is over officially and it sucks. i feel like i'm so far behind on everything that i can't catch up. to make matters worse, i think i'm hungry but i hate working in the kitchen when my roommate is around. such a let-down after such a good weekend.

it totally rocked to be able to spend almost 72 hours with him. that's a sure way to get close to someone. for sure, this is the honeymoon stage where we're still blinded by the stardusts in our eyes. if i'm lucky, this will last a while.

yay!

he gets here tonight. i can't wait. =D

and when i return..

so the housemate has returned. the cat is also back. i missed the cat.

when silver linings turn into bridges

some crazy things have been happening in the last 72 hours:

1. saw an amazing movie that i totally fell in love with.
2. saw the ex from highschool (yeah, you know what i'm talking about) and we both pretended that we didn't know each other. i call him on it and he pretends that he doesn't know what i'm talking about.
3. HE books a trip here for this weekend.
4. my world turned upside down.
5. randomly feeding my insomnia with C, we stumble on a massive deal to NYC.
6. we booked two return bus tickets to NYC for February. it cost us a total of $0.62.
7. my Monday class on the 19th is cancelled.
8. i'm still freaking out over everything.

OMG!

AHHHHH.. he's coming to visit this weekend. i'm so excited! i've never had a guy fly down just to see me before. i feel really special. and ecstatic!

he's already booked his ticket and the rental is reserved. he's coming to visit!

it is written

i just saw Slumdog Millionaire earlier tonight and it's still resonating with me. i want that kind of all-encompassing love, damnit. it was such a wonderful story and the cinematography really is spectacular. it totally rocked.


"...If you'd give me half the chance
I would prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true..."

some things shouldn't change

i spent today in bed, mostly. baked a blueberry loaf and made hot chocolate from scratch. i realize that i don't really like hot chocolate. it just doesn't do it for me. surprising since i love chocolate.

Jurassic Park still rocks my world. i don't care what Hollywood manages to put out to try to amuse kids. Jurassic Park is a classic, up there with the Goonies.

he rocks my world. he says the sweetest things. i need to start returning the favour.

2 in a row!

Had my second class today. Conflict resolution. Oh my god, they totally misnamed it. It should be called nuclear proliferation and disarmament. I'm so excited! Jackpot! Yes, I realize that I'm a geek. =D

and so it begins...

I had my first class of the semester today. Ethnic conflict and conflict resolution. How nice. My academic career is full of such violence. It looks to be an interesting course and the professor appears to be pretty nice and laid back. The requirements are decent, nothing horrendously outlandish or really difficult. It's funny that there are only five of us in the course and all women.

I found myself thinking about how much I had grown up. Sitting there in a small room around a table with four other women and the professor, we spoke and shared our own views and opinions, academic and otherwise. When the professor left, we negotiated our presentation topics and dates, thereby laying out the schedule for the semester. We even talked about negotiating a free week so we could all have a break from the demands of the class, and a later submission deadline for our paper. This kind of thing would not have been possible when I was younger. The competitive nature of students and conflicting self-interests would not have allowed it. I think it's finally hitting me, this reality of becoming a grown-up.

I still feel like a thirteen year old navigating through a world of adults and grown-ups. Without the angst and insecurities, of course. I have managed to develop a certain amount of self-confidence over the years. I'll never be perfect but that's okay. I'm not all that smart or pretty or charismatic. And I no longer want to be. I'm content with who I am and I'm having fun rediscovering all of my potential. I guess that's all that matters at the end of the day.

wild weekend being bad, bad girls!

This weekend was S's birthday and true to our new year's resolution, we all got dolled up to hit the club to celebrate S's 23rd. She had rented a hotel room in Vaughan and wanted to go to Luxy, a new club located near Vaughan Mills. The place was gorgeous but the music was only so-so. I guess they chose to put their money into the decor and forsook a good DJ. We all have priorities, I suppose.

Six of us drove up with S to the hotel, which was actually pretty awesome. The room came with a kitchenette, a sitting room with a sofa, a bedroom with two queen beds, and a pretty spacious washroom. Since there were six of us, the sleeping arrangements dictated that three would share one bed, two would share the other, and someone would get the couch. I called the couch. I don't mind sleeping with the girls but when possible, I like to sleep alone. I'm a cuddler and I don't think I would be comfortable waking up cuddled up to one of the girls.

Six single ladies getting ready in a hotel room. It was chaos. We looked awesome, though, I would say. We definitely lived up to our bad, bad girls resolution and wore the shortest and often tightest dresses imaginable with sky high heels. Well, I didn't but I still suffered for wearing the shoes that I did. We looked hot and we all loved it. I don't wear dresses to clubs, especially not a super short skirt. I couldn't move quickly because I was always in danger of flashing everyone.

By the time the others arrived and the pre-drinking was begun in earnest, we were quite tipsy and ready to shake our asses. And so we did. The night passed in a blur and we all had a great time. I lost count of the number of people who stepped on me, kicked me with their heels, or spilled their drinks on me. I have no idea why I was such a good target but I was. I'll wait to see if there are any battle scars from this weekend. It was fun and no one intentionally set out to hurt me. It just happened.

When we got back to the hotel, half of us were on the phone or were texting guys. ST and I stayed up till almost 7:00am talking about men, sex, and our views on relationships. It was nice. She and I don't talk as much as we should, mostly because we're so busy. It was a good bonding moment.

This morning/afternoon, we went out for dim sum. It was good but I'm exhausted. And in pain. The prices we pay for a good time. It was so worth it.

i'm a bad, bad girl...

So a part of the new year's resolution for this year is that I promised to be a bad, bad girl. The kind of girl who speaks what's on her mind and doesn't rationalize her actions. The girl who gives in to her guilty pleasures without remorse. I'm going to be a bad, bad girl and I'm going to like it.

Getting home from another night at C's, I ended up hanging out with the Lady. She was up to get ready for work and I was ravenous. For some reason, my appetite really wakes up when 3:00am rolls around. Uncanny. So the Lady and I sat in the kitchen and talked about her expectations for me, where my life was headed, and what I wanted to do. I want to travel and see the world before I'm tied down. I also don't want to be a goldmine for the less fortunate relatives in the Third World or a bride-in-name-only for some down on his luck second, third, or fourth cousin. Cambodian people are scary when they smell the scent of potential entrapment. I want the best for my extended family but I do not intend to sell my soul to save them.

We spoke at length and I stood firm on my resolve. I think she's starting to get the message and really, all I wanted was for her to stop raising the hopes of the relatives. I can't single-handedly enrich their lives with material gains and they need to stop relying upon that future. It's not going to happen. This was my first bad girl act. I told off my mother, although not impolitely. I remained firm and respectful but I made my position clear.

We spoke at length some more and I told her about my travel plans. She was supportive, as usual. She understands because she's the source of my wanderlust; I get it from her. And I want her to have the opportunity to see the world as well. We've already started planning our west coast trip. Now, if only she can get rid of her husband and all would be groovy with the world.

resolutions and promises

I've been thinking about this all night and this morning. I've been trying to make a mental list of resolutions for 2009 and I think I've finally got some:

1. Get in shape. Start running or swimming again.
2. Start dressing better and taking better care of myself.
3. Travel. New York, Mexico, Asia, wherever it is just go.
4. Keep blogging.
5. Don't cut my hair.

So far, this is the current list. I can't think of much else to change, character-wise because I'm still figuring that out for myself. I figure self-improvement will be a working effort. I'll keep thinking about it.

ringing in the new year

Tonight we gathered at C's house for some good food, some good company, and lots of alcohol. We all contributed to the dinner, which was hot pot, and there were even two cakes. Gluttonously, I ate enough to feed a small Third World nation.

C got her new cell phone that was pimped out by S. I had such a hard time keeping that one a secret so that it would be a surprise. Primarily because C had planned to get a new cell earlier this week but S asked me to stop her but not tell her who was getting her one or how. I had to balance letting enough slip to stop her from buying a new phone yet keep S's secret. I'm just glad it's all out in the open now.

We almost missed the countdown because we were trying to find a good channel that showed it but couldn't. Luckily, we narrowly just made it. Although, it was quite anti-climactic since we half-hearted yelled out 'happy new year' to each other; no kiss, no nothing. We decided to play "what would your name be if you were White?" Apparently, I'm a Sarah. I don't know, I always thought Sophie was White enough but it was fun to play the game.

In the midst of all the laughter and eventual descent into lethargy, we all answered our text messages and phone calls of well-wishes from our friends and families. It was close to 1:30am before he called. Great way to ring in the new year.