the life and times of...

passion tea lemonade moments...

2011-08-05T00:10:00.003-04:00

So after a long afternoon of work, I met up with Joanna and we went rollerblading/biking. It was a good outlet for the lingering energy I had. I like this routine we've developed and hope that we can maintain it as long as the weather holds out. Being allergic to the cold is severely limiting when you happen to live in Canada.

I met up with Kandi and we ended up at Starbucks; she had a deep craving for the passion tea lemonade. What followed was a deep, profound, and interesting discussion.

Our self-perception is shaped by how others view us; this, I do know. My own self-perception is further solidified by how my friends see me. Even still, I think they often see me as a better person than I really am.

I know I am incredibly self-reliant but this is neither a virtue nor a fault. I have been shaped by the circumstances of my life and had no choice but to learn from a very early age to take care of myself. I'm not saddened or upset by this; it's all I've ever really known. I don't know what it's like to have someone take care of me; that rarely happens. I am my own limit. I create the obstacles in my path and therefore I am responsible for removing them.

This self-deprecation is probably why I don't view my life as tragic or awful; it simply is. These are the circumstances I was given and the cards that I was dealt. It is up to me to create the life I want.

rainy days and chocolates

2011-04-20T20:01:00.002-04:00

So yesterday I went on a hunt for chocolate and hit up the good old Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. Loaded up on some dark chocolate goodness which should last me a few weeks, if not months.

It helped since I've been craving dark chocolate lately. One or two bites is generally good enough to satisfy the sugar craving.

I'm watching my weight these days. Sad as it is, I'm starting to believe that I've come to that age where enough is enough. If I continue down this road, my waistline is going to balloon like mad and there won't be anything I could really do to mitigate it.

I don't ever plan to settle down, raise babies, and have that happily ever after fairytale ending. I've done a lot of soul-searching in the past two years and slowly, that dream has died. It's a wistful thought in the back of my mind but in all honesty, I don't really see that picture perfect life for myself. You know, it's okay if life doesn't turn out the way society thinks it's supposed to.

Don't get me wrong, I do have those moments where I think it would be nice to have someone to come home to. But that's not how I'm going to live my life. I'm not going to look for a future husband.

After all, I really don't think he exists out there.

Update

2011-04-19T22:29:00.002-04:00

Okay, it has clearly been a few years since I've updated this thing.

A few quick updated facts about my current life:

I am single and have been for quite a while
I am currently back living with mom (although really, I'm paying all the bills so what gives?)
I am currently working for the public sector although my contract is about to end

I still don't know what to do with my life

I'm back and making my daily musings. Hopefully this will help me jump-start some inspiration.

the hits just keep on coming

2009-10-15T18:24:00.002-04:00

It has been a horrible two months. First with his death, I lost a friend whose importance in my life was unprecedented. I never realized how much I loved him until he was gone.

Then the hits just kept coming. One disaster or emergency after another. I'm so worn out by it all. I thought that things would at least taper off or plateau.

I didn't expect him to end it today. I don't know why I'm shocked but I am. My heart aches and mostly because of the "what if's". Maybe I'm delusional or blinded by wishes. I'm caught off guard. Disappointed, with him and with myself. I know this will ease but still... The "what if's" haunt me.

It's so discouraging. This is on top of everything else. I'm so weary that I just don't feel strong enough to handle it all anymore. I'm so battered by it all; physically, emotionally, mentally.

I just want to breathe again and feel hope for a better tomorrow. A warm pair of arms to hug me and make the world go away momentarily. I'm so tired.

rollercoaster riding..

2009-09-12T23:38:00.002-04:00

i feel like i've been up and down a rollercoaster since the first date. it sucks because i went from sort of interested to completely spellbound.

i'm in the process of trying to get over it all. this level of fascination over one person is not healthy. at least, i don't think it's healthy for me. i don't like it and i will get over it.

so i saw him yesterday, briefly. we didn't really talk. i guess my good intentions just flew out the window, much like my self-control. it happens, i suppose.

my heart hurts because she's in pain. i love my friends, i really do and when they're hurting it hurts me too. i wish there was some way to make it all better but short of commiting homocide, there's nothing i can do. i want her to be okay again.

i'm restless these days. trying to fill my time with amusement and distractions. it's a lovely time of year to pick up something new.

he's just not that into you

2009-09-07T22:10:00.003-04:00

so i read the book for some insight. i started dating again a little while back. July maybe? i have no idea. i was bored and it seemed to relieve the monotone that is life at the moment. well, boy did things change..

so i met a few people, talked, went out, had drinks, etc. for the most part, it was fun and entertaining. at one point i was talking to so many guys, i lost count of who was who. then, a random message that pricked my curiosity. i replied, he replied back and the next thing i knew, i was on another date.

one date led to more talking and the next thing i knew, we were on another date. it's been more than a month and i'm still not sure. is he into me? i have no idea.

so reading the book, i figured out that i was already doing what greg had advised. i guess my self-preservation instincts are pretty refined. but with him, i'm so caught up. trying to play it cool so did not work but neither did doing the girly thing. that is so not me. but the book did help clarify something: my instincts are on the ball and really, I AM worth the effort. so he'll either shape up and make some real effort or we're done.

right now, i'm so not liking the feeling. you know the one i'm talking about. butterflies launching a systemic attack in your tummy. the elation and uplift when he calls or says something sweet. i hate that feeling. i don't want it unless things are clear. i want to know that the feelings are warranted, that he's really into me. otherwise, they're just false hope.

just follow the yellow brick road...

2009-05-04T18:19:00.003-04:00

i've been feeling rather peculiar lately. as if my life needs to be reorganized and my goals reevaluated. no doubt, that is exactly what i should be doing. i find it surreal to think of the past year; who i was and where i was a year ago. there is no doubt that i was a different person living a different life a year ago. as hard as everything was, as difficult, it was also somewhat easier. a year ago, i had just finished my undergrad and had a clear trajectory of where my life was headed. i thought it was all layed out in front of me and all i had to do was follow the yellow-brick road to the wizard who would grant me my heart's desire. like dorothy, i found that it wasn't so simple as that. unlike dorothy, i couldn't click my heals three time and wish that there was "no place like home". admittedly, there is no place like home. and yet, i'm still adrift because i don't really know where home is.

as crazy and frustrating as it is right now, i'm finding it easier to breathe. i don't know what i'm going to do or where i'm going to go but for now, it's okay. i'm taking it one step at a time and finding that i don't mind the person i've become and where i am in my life. wishing is nice because it keeps hope alive. but having faith that everything will work itself out makes it easier to live one day at a time.

the curse of the threes

2009-04-09T23:01:00.001-04:00

i honestly thought that i had broken my string of bad luck concerning the number three. apparently, i was wrong. it was shortly after our third month that he started acting weird. and now it's over. i guess i'm still reeling from the suddenness of it. it hurts.

coming soon...

2009-03-01T04:41:00.001-05:00

i realize that i really need to do an update. one is forthcoming. after tuesday.

new york, new york, it's a hell of a town..

2009-02-10T23:10:00.002-05:00

so i'll be leaving for NYC again tomorrow night. in between now and then i have some chores to finish up. they include:

-cleaning my room
-doing the dishes
-shower and shave
-class
-pack
-make sure the cat is fed and taken care of

all the minutae that accompanies a trip must be completed before i can leave. it promises to be an exciting trip and i am pretty excited. i have two anxieties: meeting his family and getting across the border. wish me luck.

counting down

2009-02-03T18:14:00.003-05:00

it's exactly one month until my 23rd birthday. it's funny, i haven't even gotten used to being 22 yet and now i'll be another year older. this last year was crazy. what exactly happened?

-i broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years
-graduated university
-lived and worked in Korea
-went to Cambodia
-took huge trips by myself
-had a summer romance
-moved to a different city
-began post-graduate education
-reconnected with my girls
-quit my job
-began teaching and TA'ing
-took a trip with the girls
-met a new boy
-started dating again
-trips last year: Cambodia, Korea, Kingston, New York
-my family moved
-my dog died

22 was full of amazing, heartbreaking, tragic, exhilarating moments. i hope 23 surpasses it.

i'm gonna be a shining star

2009-01-31T15:54:00.002-05:00

do you ever sometimes get the feeling that you're meant to do special, amazing things? i used to feel like that when i was younger. at some point in time, it feels like the spark faded and i'm left with graphite instead of diamonds. the world is my oyster and i forgot the sauce. i freak out at how old i'm getting and the lack of accomplishments in my life. when we're kids, we measure time by all the crazy, wonderful, scary things that we do; the moments in our lives. according to that measurement principle, i've certainly lacked progress. i'm bound for a great accomplishment soon, right? i feel like i'm pushing a boulder uphill and with each step, the rock doubles in size. so by now, i'm trying to push a mountain. it's so hard sometimes that all i want to do is rest in the shade and hope that when the sun rises, i can actually see beyond the clouds.

wasting time...

2009-01-29T00:43:00.004-05:00

i've spent the last few hours on the phone and reading postsecret messages on the facebook page/group. some of that stuff is so depressing and heartbreaking. it's awful to think that no one could understand or is willing to listen to you. for a long time, that was how i lived my life; thinking that no one cared or that they would judge instead of trying to understand. it's a growing up process that allows you to step back and put things into perspective again. i'm tired of secrets. here are mine:

i hate the selfish, narcissistic person i was. and secretly fear that i will be that person again.
i lied. i'm sorry but the truth would hurt you more.
i hate your self-righteousness. that's why i hated telling you anything. you don't know me.
i'm sorry. but i love myself more and i can't turn my back on me.
i fear the future. i don't know what to do with my life. i fear failure.
i'm not afraid to fall in love again. i'm afraid of the choices that accompany it.
i often wonder if i'm making a big mistake.
i'm afraid to go back because i'm afraid to face him. i'm scared to see disappointment in his eyes.
my heart hurts when she hurts. but i don't know how to end it.
i want someone willing to lay the world at my feet. even though i wouldn't want him to.
i know i would be a wonderful mother. i'm just afraid that i won't have that opportunity.
one day i'll stop wishing i could be a different person for you.
i hope that someday i can look in the mirror and believe that i am beautiful.
i'm really not that smart.

dilemmas

2009-01-25T15:15:00.002-05:00

so it turns out that C can't come to New York with me in February. we were supposed to go for 5 days and i was really looking forward to it but she has to work. things in the food industry have been slow so the weekend that we were going to be away turns out to be the busiest in recent memory. i've attempted to reschedule and the next available weekend is the first weekend of March. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't mind going to new york twice but i don't want to ruin it and wear out my welcome. so my dilemma at the moment is this:

do i go in february and march? do i wait till march so both me and C can go at once? or do i just go in february?

i'm still working out all the drawbacks and benefits. i also need to work out my budget. i wish this was easier.

the waiting game...

2009-01-21T20:24:00.003-05:00

sometimes i feel like i've spent my whole life waiting. when i was a kid, i waited to grow up. i waited for the first day of school, waited for winter break, waited to go back to school, waited for summer vacation. i waited for my first kiss, waited for my bff's to talk to me again after a bad fight. i waited to graduate and waited for my driver's license. always waiting. there was always something out of reach, something that i had to wait for. i waited for the pain to fade after my first heartbreak, waited for the boy to break my heart again after he made me believe that he wouldn't. i waited for the right moment to end things, waited for the awkwardness to pass, waited to be friends again. i've waited to fall in love again. . .

. . . and now i'm waiting to see where this all goes.

back in the grind

2009-01-20T18:34:00.002-05:00

the weekend is over officially and it sucks. i feel like i'm so far behind on everything that i can't catch up. to make matters worse, i think i'm hungry but i hate working in the kitchen when my roommate is around. such a let-down after such a good weekend.

it totally rocked to be able to spend almost 72 hours with him. that's a sure way to get close to someone. for sure, this is the honeymoon stage where we're still blinded by the stardusts in our eyes. if i'm lucky, this will last a while.

yay!

2009-01-16T10:10:00.001-05:00

he gets here tonight. i can't wait. =D

and when i return..

2009-01-14T02:00:00.001-05:00

so the housemate has returned. the cat is also back. i missed the cat.

when silver linings turn into bridges

2009-01-12T12:42:00.005-05:00

some crazy things have been happening in the last 72 hours:

1. saw an amazing movie that i totally fell in love with.
2. saw the ex from highschool (yeah, you know what i'm talking about) and we both pretended that we didn't know each other. i call him on it and he pretends that he doesn't know what i'm talking about.
3. HE books a trip here for this weekend.
4. my world turned upside down.
5. randomly feeding my insomnia with C, we stumble on a massive deal to NYC.
6. we booked two return bus tickets to NYC for February. it cost us a total of $0.62.
7. my Monday class on the 19th is cancelled.
8. i'm still freaking out over everything.

OMG!

2009-01-12T00:21:00.003-05:00

AHHHHH.. he's coming to visit this weekend. i'm so excited! i've never had a guy fly down just to see me before. i feel really special. and ecstatic!

he's already booked his ticket and the rental is reserved. he's coming to visit!

it is written

2009-01-11T04:00:00.005-05:00

i just saw Slumdog Millionaire earlier tonight and it's still resonating with me. i want that kind of all-encompassing love, damnit. it was such a wonderful story and the cinematography really is spectacular. it totally rocked.

"...If you'd give me half the chance
I would prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true..."

some things shouldn't change

2009-01-09T05:45:00.003-05:00

i spent today in bed, mostly. baked a blueberry loaf and made hot chocolate from scratch. i realize that i don't really like hot chocolate. it just doesn't do it for me. surprising since i love chocolate.

Jurassic Park still rocks my world. i don't care what Hollywood manages to put out to try to amuse kids. Jurassic Park is a classic, up there with the Goonies.

he rocks my world. he says the sweetest things. i need to start returning the favour.

2 in a row!

2009-01-07T21:31:00.002-05:00

Had my second class today. Conflict resolution. Oh my god, they totally misnamed it. It should be called nuclear proliferation and disarmament. I'm so excited! Jackpot! Yes, I realize that I'm a geek. =D

and so it begins...

2009-01-06T16:47:00.002-05:00

I had my first class of the semester today. Ethnic conflict and conflict resolution. How nice. My academic career is full of such violence. It looks to be an interesting course and the professor appears to be pretty nice and laid back. The requirements are decent, nothing horrendously outlandish or really difficult. It's funny that there are only five of us in the course and all women.

I found myself thinking about how much I had grown up. Sitting there in a small room around a table with four other women and the professor, we spoke and shared our own views and opinions, academic and otherwise. When the professor left, we negotiated our presentation topics and dates, thereby laying out the schedule for the semester. We even talked about negotiating a free week so we could all have a break from the demands of the class, and a later submission deadline for our paper. This kind of thing would not have been possible when I was younger. The competitive nature of students and conflicting self-interests would not have allowed it. I think it's finally hitting me, this reality of becoming a grown-up.

I still feel like a thirteen year old navigating through a world of adults and grown-ups. Without the angst and insecurities, of course. I have managed to develop a certain amount of self-confidence over the years. I'll never be perfect but that's okay. I'm not all that smart or pretty or charismatic. And I no longer want to be. I'm content with who I am and I'm having fun rediscovering all of my potential. I guess that's all that matters at the end of the day.

wild weekend being bad, bad girls!

2009-01-04T13:45:00.002-05:00

This weekend was S's birthday and true to our new year's resolution, we all got dolled up to hit the club to celebrate S's 23rd. She had rented a hotel room in Vaughan and wanted to go to Luxy, a new club located near Vaughan Mills. The place was gorgeous but the music was only so-so. I guess they chose to put their money into the decor and forsook a good DJ. We all have priorities, I suppose.

Six of us drove up with S to the hotel, which was actually pretty awesome. The room came with a kitchenette, a sitting room with a sofa, a bedroom with two queen beds, and a pretty spacious washroom. Since there were six of us, the sleeping arrangements dictated that three would share one bed, two would share the other, and someone would get the couch. I called the couch. I don't mind sleeping with the girls but when possible, I like to sleep alone. I'm a cuddler and I don't think I would be comfortable waking up cuddled up to one of the girls.

Six single ladies getting ready in a hotel room. It was chaos. We looked awesome, though, I would say. We definitely lived up to our bad, bad girls resolution and wore the shortest and often tightest dresses imaginable with sky high heels. Well, I didn't but I still suffered for wearing the shoes that I did. We looked hot and we all loved it. I don't wear dresses to clubs, especially not a super short skirt. I couldn't move quickly because I was always in danger of flashing everyone.

By the time the others arrived and the pre-drinking was begun in earnest, we were quite tipsy and ready to shake our asses. And so we did. The night passed in a blur and we all had a great time. I lost count of the number of people who stepped on me, kicked me with their heels, or spilled their drinks on me. I have no idea why I was such a good target but I was. I'll wait to see if there are any battle scars from this weekend. It was fun and no one intentionally set out to hurt me. It just happened.

When we got back to the hotel, half of us were on the phone or were texting guys. ST and I stayed up till almost 7:00am talking about men, sex, and our views on relationships. It was nice. She and I don't talk as much as we should, mostly because we're so busy. It was a good bonding moment.

This morning/afternoon, we went out for dim sum. It was good but I'm exhausted. And in pain. The prices we pay for a good time. It was so worth it.

i'm a bad, bad girl...

2009-01-02T05:00:00.002-05:00

So a part of the new year's resolution for this year is that I promised to be a bad, bad girl. The kind of girl who speaks what's on her mind and doesn't rationalize her actions. The girl who gives in to her guilty pleasures without remorse. I'm going to be a bad, bad girl and I'm going to like it.

Getting home from another night at C's, I ended up hanging out with the Lady. She was up to get ready for work and I was ravenous. For some reason, my appetite really wakes up when 3:00am rolls around. Uncanny. So the Lady and I sat in the kitchen and talked about her expectations for me, where my life was headed, and what I wanted to do. I want to travel and see the world before I'm tied down. I also don't want to be a goldmine for the less fortunate relatives in the Third World or a bride-in-name-only for some down on his luck second, third, or fourth cousin. Cambodian people are scary when they smell the scent of potential entrapment. I want the best for my extended family but I do not intend to sell my soul to save them.

We spoke at length and I stood firm on my resolve. I think she's starting to get the message and really, all I wanted was for her to stop raising the hopes of the relatives. I can't single-handedly enrich their lives with material gains and they need to stop relying upon that future. It's not going to happen. This was my first bad girl act. I told off my mother, although not impolitely. I remained firm and respectful but I made my position clear.

We spoke at length some more and I told her about my travel plans. She was supportive, as usual. She understands because she's the source of my wanderlust; I get it from her. And I want her to have the opportunity to see the world as well. We've already started planning our west coast trip. Now, if only she can get rid of her husband and all would be groovy with the world.

resolutions and promises

2009-01-01T09:45:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking about this all night and this morning. I've been trying to make a mental list of resolutions for 2009 and I think I've finally got some:

1. Get in shape. Start running or swimming again.
2. Start dressing better and taking better care of myself.
3. Travel. New York, Mexico, Asia, wherever it is just go.
4. Keep blogging.
5. Don't cut my hair.

So far, this is the current list. I can't think of much else to change, character-wise because I'm still figuring that out for myself. I figure self-improvement will be a working effort. I'll keep thinking about it.

ringing in the new year

2009-01-01T02:36:00.000-05:00

Tonight we gathered at C's house for some good food, some good company, and lots of alcohol. We all contributed to the dinner, which was hot pot, and there were even two cakes. Gluttonously, I ate enough to feed a small Third World nation.

C got her new cell phone that was pimped out by S. I had such a hard time keeping that one a secret so that it would be a surprise. Primarily because C had planned to get a new cell earlier this week but S asked me to stop her but not tell her who was getting her one or how. I had to balance letting enough slip to stop her from buying a new phone yet keep S's secret. I'm just glad it's all out in the open now.

We almost missed the countdown because we were trying to find a good channel that showed it but couldn't. Luckily, we narrowly just made it. Although, it was quite anti-climactic since we half-hearted yelled out 'happy new year' to each other; no kiss, no nothing. We decided to play "what would your name be if you were White?" Apparently, I'm a Sarah. I don't know, I always thought Sophie was White enough but it was fun to play the game.

In the midst of all the laughter and eventual descent into lethargy, we all answered our text messages and phone calls of well-wishes from our friends and families. It was close to 1:30am before he called. Great way to ring in the new year.

boys, sometimes a girl just needs one...

2008-12-31T01:33:00.000-05:00

So he called me last night right after he got back from Miami. I was surprised but not. I just got the feeling that he would call. It was odd but nice to hear his voice again. Sometimes, I start fearing that I'll forget someone's voice or face if there isn't something there to remind me. Pictures don't do anyone justice because you can't see the vivacity and life in their eyes. But for some reason, his voice connects me to him like nothing else does.

He makes me smile. He makes me giddy. He makes me want to reach for the stars. There's something about him that softens my heart.

He came online tonight and we chatted for over an hour. I can't help but believe in his sincerity. I would like to put more faith in this whole thing, whatever it is, but that takes time. I like hearing from him, though.

I am infatuated.

I don't know where he stands and one part of me wants to demand some sort of resolution. But another, stronger part of me wants to just go with it and see where this takes me. I haven't taken this kind of journey in a long time and I really miss the discovery of someone else. The only thing that makes this bareable is the fact that he seems to be suffering from the same kind of high that I am. It's contagious.

chasing down the right sauce

2008-12-30T23:00:00.001-05:00

I arrived at C's door mid afternoon to go to the mall. She was hungry and we thought to pick up supplies for tomorrow night while we were at it. I waited forever at her door and started to wonder if her doorbell was working. Then, I started going through my cell phone to try to send her a message via Facebook to get her ass to the front door. Just when I was starting to give up figuring out how to send a message via my cellphone, the door finally opened. I realized why she hadn't gotten there earlier. Her rug of a dog was going through his progressively worsening schizophrenia again and today decided to hate me. So he attacked my jeans and tried to bite me. I just stood there calmly. I figured he'd get bored eventually and my uggs protected my legs.

We finally left the house and headed for the mall. After 4 hours, we finally decided to go grocery shopping. OH MY GOD. We went all over the city and couldn't find the sauce we needed for hotpot or ya-hon. Just couldn't! It was like they all disappeared or something. WTF?!? Anyway, after a ridiculous amount of time searching, we gave up and went back to C's house. I swear, that sauce is only destined for moms to find. It's got a moms-only label all over it. Can't wait for hotpot tomorrow night, though.

It's funny that I'll be spending new year's eve with 4 other girls. Four other single girls. It's going to be an estrogen-fest. Five single ladies eating, drinking lots of alcohol, and watching chick-flicks. I'm really looking forward to it. =)

three girls + three restaurants + karaoke = video on youtube?

2008-12-29T06:58:00.001-05:00

Sunday

This afternoon C and I met up to head to Toronto because we both have lunch dates on Monday afternoon, her with a friend from school and me with an old friend to catch up. We decided to head up early and hang out at her place so we finally got ready and left her parent's house in Hamilton around 5:00pm. The skyway was closed so after a ridiculous amount of time stuck in a traffic jam, we finally got to Burlington's GO station to get dropped off. There, we caught our train, got to Toronto, and met up with J, a friend of C's from school. This was where our adventure really began.

It was about quarter after seven when we met up with J at a cute little 24 hour cafe. We climbed three sets up stairs and finally got to the top, where we ensconced ourselves in a little corner at the back. It was quaint, intimate, and actually a really good place to hang out. I adored it. There, we spent about 4 hours sitting, chatting, laughing, and just having a good time. Many tables filled and emptied in the time that we were there and we didn't notice at all. The conversation followed a familiar theme of dating, men, sex, food, men, and dating. That was soon the trend in our conversation all night. Lots of girl talk surrounding the issue of men and dating interspersed with commentary about recipes and good restaurants. That's my kind of night.

Walking out of the bistro at around 11:00pm, we decided that we weren't quite ready to go home yet and were in fact a little famished. During the conversation at one point, someone had mentioned a craving for fish and/or duck so we headed to Chinatown where restaurants would still be open, even on a Sunday night. We actually found a great little restaurant and ordered congee, rice, bbq duck, and an egg dish with assorted veggies. It was quite good. The sad part of this was that we cleared the dishes after spending 4 hours sitting in the previous restaurant eating sandwiches with coffee and martinis, followed by a sinfully delicious slice of cheesecake. I'm not quite sure what to label these as because it sure wasn't dinner or lunch. I would say it was multiple feeding sessions. Yeah, that's it.

We left the restaurant around 1:30am, after just missing our last bus, since we had to head uptown to get to C's place, so we decided to take a streetcar to catch another 24 hour bus instead. Except, we all heard Backstreet Boys playing somewhere and started to sing along. That led to the bright idea that we should do Karaoke. At 2:00am. On a Sunday. So we headed back across the street to a karaoke bar in the next building. And we sang, danced, and laughed for the hour. Someone had the bright idea that we should take off our shoes and dance on the couches (we were in a private room) and so we did. We laughed and danced so hard that we were all sweating buckets! During a passable rendition of one of Britney's pre-breakdown pop hits, we noticed that there was a group of guys standing outside our door. With their cellphones out. Using the camera function. They were video-taping us! At this point, we all made the connection at the same time and fell to the couches laughing. The guys continued to videotape us for a while before they realized that they weren't going to get anything good so they opened the door and invited us to their room. We were still in hysterics but declined. I wonder if it'll be on youtube. Hmmm...

At around 3:00am, our time ran out and we had to leave the karaoke bar so we headed back to the streetcar. Only to realize that the last one just passed us and that it wasn't a 24 hour line so we ended up walking up Dundas to Yonge from Chinatown. Along the way, we got hungry/thirsty again and wanted smoothies so we ended up at another 24 hour restaurant. At this point, it must have been our third stop for food and only for food.

We sat down, still chatting about men and sex, and just relaxed after a hard session of karaoke. While still at the restaurant, which was surprisingly full at 4:00am, the big group of guys behind our booth started to hit on J. And the rest of us. With such eloquent lines such as, "He's really got yellow fever," and, "It's great. Once you have it then it's it for you." Wonderful pick-up lines. I wonder if they've ever worked. We brushed them off and just continued with our night. At this point, we figured it would be silly to try to bus it home and just waited for the subway to open at 6:00am.

And so, we parted ways with J around 6:10am and headed back to C's place in North York. It's been a hell of a night and it's funny to see so many people starting their days while we have just finished our's. Especially since I think that I'm still a tad famished. Okay, fine. I'm hungry again.

chillin' like a villain

2008-12-28T01:33:00.000-05:00

Today started out predictably at C's house. I had dropped by at around 4:00am last night and stayed over. Lazed around all day and continued to just chill until late afternoon when I had to get my butt home to meet the Lady. On a side note, the Lady is my mom but I haven't called her mom in years. At least not in English. But anyway, when I got up this morning, I found C's dog using my leg as a pillow. We have a love/hate relationship. Generally, it's based on how schizophrenic he happens to be at the moment. He's a cute little bugger, though, and I guess it proves my mettle as an animal lover that I haven't tried to do him in yet, despite his occasional tendency to use my leg as a chew toy.

After hanging out all morning and afternoon, I finally made it back to my parent's place. The Lady and I were supposed to hang out at the mall and then go to some social function later in the evening but when I emerged from the room where I am currently staying, or at least where my belongings rest, she was gone. I was ditched by my own mother! Eeesh. Talk about ridiculous. Oh well, it just meant that I would have to make other plans, although I would have appreciated more notice.

So the evening inevitably led to me being back at C's house watching Kung Fu Panda and Love Actually with her and her sister. Add a cheap bottle of wine, pizza, and some chicken wings and it became a girl's night in. Except C fell asleep by 9:00pm and her snoring drowned out much of the movie. I found it more funny than anything else and since I've already seen Kung Fu Panda twice, I didn't mind at all. Seriously, it was hilarious! She finally woke up at the end and we moved on to Love Actually.

I love that movie. It represents love in its many stages. New love, unrequited love, untested love, aged love, and the chances that people take for love. There are so many beautiful moments in that movie and it never gets old for me. I think my favorite part is when Colin Firth's character decides to just go for it, even when she didn't speak the same language and they barely understood each other. This particular storyline touched me because just a few short weeks ago, he was betrayed by his girlfriend and his brother yet despite this, he chose to go with his gut instinct and trust again. In spite of all the odds, he took the risk and it was beautiful to watch.

My favorite quote will always be from the little boy who was sitting with his step-father on the bench. "How could anything be worse than the agony of love?" Touche.

burying the past.

2008-12-27T00:46:00.000-05:00

Earlier tonight, I got together with my ex-boyfriend for some coffee and conversation. We often get together every once in a while to talk and update each other on our lives. We have been broken up for about 5 months now and we've maintained contact. Not regular contact but contact nonetheless. I look back at the 3 years that we were together and I have little regret. I lived, I loved, and I learned a lot about myself and about what I want or don't want. He will always be a good memory in my heart but he will never again be my heart.

Throughout the night, one thing really struck me about the two of us. Although we failed to make it work, we're still making the same mistake that led to our breakup in the first place. We grew apart and became different people with different wants and needs. I wanted and needed things that he could not provide and I was definitely not the person that he wanted or needed. I loved who he was but he's no longer that person and I am no longer the person that he loved. And that's okay. There's something bittersweet about realizing that you've grown beyond a person and beyond who you once were. I loved him once but I will never be in love with him again.

I have loved and loved well, and I have experienced heartbreak. Yet, at the end of the day I am ready to love again, even knowing that heartache is a real possibility. It would be cowardly of me to give up because of fear, but what do I really have to fear? The journey to love means that I am able to discover and learn about the heart and soul of another. That knowledge is priceless and worth everything when it means that I can share such a wonderous miracle with another person.

the meaning of family

2008-12-25T21:42:00.000-05:00

Today is Christmas and in the midst of texting Christmas messages and well wishes to all my friends and loved ones, I decided to take the family out for dinner. By default, we decided to be Buddhist this Christmas and this means no gifts. This isn't new for me because usually I'm the one giving, which I don't really mind. My brothers got me a mini laptop a few weeks ago and that was really all I wanted. Anywho, when I finally woke up I had decided that my Christmas contribution to the family would be taking them out for dinner so we made reservations for six people for 6:00pm at a local Chinese restaurant.

When I said family, it turns out everyone in my immediate family decided to come. Including my dad. Big mistake. I have never had an easy relationship with my father and this has not changed throughout the years. In fact, it has grown worse. When I was young, my relationship with him consisted of mutual disregard and mutual disinterest. My personal theory is that he never really quite forgave me for not being a boy but I'm sure there are other theories that abound. This disinterest has moved to mutual distrust and sometimes even hatred on both our parts. I can't reconcile the person he is with the one that he claims to be. He can't reconcile the person I am with the one he wants me to be. So, we are at an impasse.

In recent years, things have really degenerated. My brother turned and looked at me across the dinner table earlier and asked, "Does he know that we all hate him?" I highly doubt it. My father is very self-absorbed and pompous. He has yet to realize that I absolutely loathe him. It is quite a quandary. I love him because he is my father but I hate the person that he is. His actions in the last year and a half have done nothing to endear him to me or anyone else in our family. I am quite certain that he does not realize that he has managed to alienate everyone in the family. Quite an accomplishment, that.

And so, I sat at the table, wondering what has become of my family. The illusions of family and comfort have long since vanished for me and the worse part of the holidays is knowing that not even the illusion exists. It's bittersweet but reality often is.

I dream of constancy, family, and comfort in the middle of the night. I dream of having what I have never had. Security. My greatest Christmas wish is for my family to be happy and for just once being able to find comfort and security in someone's arms.

the times they are a-changing.

2008-12-25T04:04:00.000-05:00

As it has been pointed out to me, it's been months since I've updated this thing. I'm not a regular blogger and in some ways, this is my attempt to keep a diary. My written diary is rarely used as it is but I think I'll make it a new year resolution to actually use this blog. Here goes:

For the last 5 months or so, I've been single. The first time I've been single in over three years and it's been nice. I've rediscovered myself and all the people around me. There's a difference between the friends I made in childhood and those I have found as my life has progressed along its course. I have been extremely lucky in that those friends that I made when I was too young to realize just how important a friend was are the same people who are still a part of my life today. They have supported me and have been there for me through all the trials and tribulations of our youths. We have faced the challenges posed to us by the very fact of growing up and discovering who we are individually and yet, here we are again; together. The years have definitely passed and I feel different now than I did 5 or 6 years ago and yet, these ladies are still the ones holding constant in my life. I am more than grateful, I am blessed.

As we move towards the years ahead, I question the challenges that we have yet to face. One thing I am sure: we have survived and thrived to grow stronger and it has not been without the support of each other. We will continue to do so; together.

16 Days in Cambodia

2008-07-19T02:21:00.000-04:00

Day 1: June 29th, Sunday the Arrival

So I got here on Sunday June 29 after my flight was delayed for about two hours due to technical complications from the first Dragonair flight that I was on. It was more annoying that they waited so long to tell us what the problem was in the first place. Really, in the end I was glad that they had the decency to tell us that there was a problem and that they had the sense to switch planes. So we got off that plane and got on another one. I did worry that my luggage might have been lost or misplaced due to the flight changes but all was well. All I have to say is that the Hong Kong Airport is pretty confusing. The Air Canada flight that got me there was fine but they didn’t have an off-loading thing waiting for us so we had to exit onto the tarmac and get on buses. Because of this, we arrived at a different terminal and I had a hell of a time getting to my connecting one. It all worked out for the best and after more than 20 hours in transit, 17 of those on planes, I finally arrived at my destination.

It was with some trepidation and exhaustion that I managed to navigate my way through the Phnom Penh International Airport to find all of my luggage and finally my relatives. After breezing through the airport authorities and customs, I followed a long corridor to the waiting/receiving area of the airport. There was a huge wall of people waiting behind a fence/gate thing, some of whom were holding signs with names written on it. I found myself flabbergasted for a moment before a group of people in the middle of the crowd started yelling and cheering at me. It was then that I realized that these were my relatives. They had organized a welcoming party to meet me at the airport. A man that I later recognized as my uncle from the pictures that my mom kept at home motioned me towards the exit gate and I hurried through with my luggage. There, I was greeted by my aunt, who my mother always said was my older twin, her husband, another aunt, my new cousin-in-law, my uncle and his five-year-old son. It was very surreal to see all these people who looked like me and felt that they knew me. I felt awkward, tired, and relieved meeting all these people. My aunt grabbed my hand, smiling, laughing, and just overjoyed. My uncle was beaming and my cousins were shy but happy. It was overwhelming to meet so many people who were so happy to see me, even though I was virtually a stranger to them. That’s family, I suppose, and now I was about to meet all of them.

My cousin had rented a car to pick me up and we all piled into a white Toyota Corolla. I never realized that so many people could fit into such a small car. From there, it was a whirlwind ride through Phnom Penh, the capitol city, towards my cousin’s house. Throughout the ride, there were joyful discussions about how worried everyone was when they heard that my flight was delayed and how overjoyed they all were to see me. Into the midst of this, a phone rang and my uncle picked up after realizing that it was my mom. I had called her to let her know that I had reached the Hong Kong airport and hadn’t spoken to her since. She had no idea that my flight was delayed at all. As it turns out, that was a good thing. She was already giving orders and instructions to everyone about how they should take care of me and what I was allowed to do and not do. It was as if she had forgotten that I was twenty-two years old. I don’t mind because I know that she cares. She spoke to us on the way to the house as I stared wide-eyed at the scenery around me. It was all like a dream. I couldn’t believe that I had finally reached Cambodia, especially on my own. The city passed by in a dream-like, like filled kaleidoscope. After driving who knew how long, we finally reached my cousin’s corner house in Phnom Penh where the road outside was filled with motorcycles and people, all of whom I learned were related to me in some way. Quickly, I brushed up on my Khmer since it was going to be the language that I would be speaking in for 99% of the time. I was inundated by relatives, but in a good way. I didn’t realize that I had so much family and that they would all be happy to see me. In the midst of “wow, you’re so big!” there were comments such as “yes, she looks like so-and-so,” and “oh she has so-and-so’s nose,” and “she may be big but that’s normal for foreigners and she’s pretty, too.” Needless to say, I was quite satisfied by that last comment. It was nice to see everyone and I definitely felt secure. It was a long night talking and getting to know people. I knew that some of my relatives were apprehensive and were unsure about me. I guess they were afraid that I would be snobby or discriminatory about everything. I arrived with the attitude of this is a foreign, third-world country and I should be prepared to a certain level of discomfort. That attitude did me well because I was able to accept the conditions that I met with. My cousin had prepared a room for me and her house had modern conveniences such as a washroom, shower, electricity, and other amenities. I did not want for anything. It may not have been a five-star resort but I wasn’t looking for that. As the night wound down, I took a shower and prepared for bed. I fell into sleep exhausted but happy.

Day 2: June 30th, Monday the Country

I awoke to the sounds of my uncle calling, “here’s your mother on the phone!” It was my mother again. I have no idea how many times she had called and she has continued to call frequently since. This particular morning we were getting ready to leave for the country. It was around 6:00am when I woke up and we were all getting ready to leave for the country. My cousin had rented another car and we proceeded to eat breakfast in preparation for a long day. The breakfast was really good since it was chicken and rice. For some reason, food tastes really good here. We ate and piled into the car. Again, it was very shocking to see that eight people could fit into a Toyota Camry. We left for the country, stopping at shops and markets along the way to pick up food. My little cousin, Haeng, came along for the ride. Throughout the day, we got to know each other quite a bit and I realized that he was one of the most precocious, curious, well-spoken, and bratty kid that I have ever met. He was always sassy, quick, clever, selfish, and loud. And he was only 5 years old. Lord knows how he’ll be when he finally reached his teenage years. I already feel for his mother. Haeng had already decided that he liked me since I came with gifts of candy and toys. This day, he decided that my digital camera was the greatest invention ever and grabbed at it as often as he could. I have to say that for a 5 year old, he could take some pretty interesting and candid pictures.

Arriving in the country, at my dad’s village, I was greeted with the site of wood and bamboo stilt houses, children running barefoot and ill-dressed, cows, chickens, dogs, and other signs of country life. We had passed roads lined with palm trees and farmland, rice paddies and farmers. It was pretty surreal. I was soon introduced to a multitude of family; aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, and nephews. They all came out to see the curiosity that was me. It was quite a surprise and a welcome one to discover that all of these people were there to see me and wanted to get to know me. I met my dad’s first wife and it was clear why the family loved her and continues to love her still. She was a quiet, very nice woman who had tears in her eyes when she met me. I took pictures of all of the children, aunts, uncles, and other relatives who came to greet me. My mother made me promise. After all, she did decide to call every couple of hours that day and every day since.

We wandered throughout the village and to the local temple where my uncle, my dad’s oldest brother, was buried. We lit incense and said prayers for the dead and I continued to take pictures of all of the children who tagged along. We crossed through the village, in order for me to get some idea of what it was like for my dad growing up in the area. I was reminded by all my relatives that when my father was young and growing up in the area, things were much harsher and people were not as prosperous as they are today. I found it amusing that when we sat down to eat lunch, my aunt called one of my cousins over and said that we wanted some coconut juice. He proceeded to go outside, grabbed a long pole, and poked at some coconuts in the trees until they fell to the ground. Only in Cambodia can you get fresh grown coconuts from outside of your window.

From there, we continued through the district in order for me to meet some extended family and discover all the things that made this particular village exceptional. For Cambodian standards, my dad’s family is doing pretty well. No one is starving and everyone is happy and healthy for the most part. It was nice to see. We ended up at my aunt’s house for the evening because she had a shower and toilet. They were all worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle living in country conditions but I was fine. I quickly adapted and that made things really easy. My cousin had just given birth to a son and I realized, watching my family, that babies were not only considered to be precious, they were adored by everyone. At my cousin’s house in the city, her 5-month-old daughter is passed around throughout the neighborhood. Everyone comes to visit and play with her. Family is precious and children in my family are adored by one and all.

Day 3: July 1st, Tuesday Back in the City, Getting Ready for the Ocean

The next day, I again woke up in the early hours of the morning; 6:00am. The day had started for everyone and it continued to get busier and busier. We had to hurry back to the city because my uncle, who worked for a Korean news company, had work to do. Work in Cambodia often is not as scheduled and rigid as it is in Canada but there are still some deadlines to be observed. So we quickly ate a quick breakfast, changed, and got ready to leave.

I said goodbye to the various relatives who were present and got into the car. We continued throughout the country, taking the longer, more scenic route so I could photograph the rice paddies, cows, farmers, and other signs of country life in Cambodia. We did stop at various relatives homes in order for me to meet them. The countryside in Cambodia varies from province to province and luckily, my dad’s family resides a province that is bountiful and has plenty of food and water so starvation is not such an issue. We continued along and I realized that early mornings were going to be the norm for me. Sleeping in appears to be anything passed 6:30am but then again, many people also go to bed early.

We stopped off at the airport so my uncle could pick up company packages and then continued on our way. Eventually, we arrived back at my cousin’s place and relaxed there the rest of the day. My uncle took off after apologizing for not being able to accompany us to the Coast because he had work to do. I was fine since there were going to be five of us going: me, my cousin, my cousin-in-law, my aunt, and her husband. They were all worried about me and wanted to make sure that there were enough people to accompany me wherever I decided to go.

That evening, my cousins, my uncle, and I all went out for a motorcycle ride through the city. It was so much fun! It was my first time being on a motorcycle and I loved it. We wandered the river area where there were many different cafes, bars, restaurants, monuments, and other sites to see. It was nice and cool that evening and since we were all on motorcycles, it was much easier to get around. The traffic is horrendous here and road rules seem to be haphazardly obeyed at best.

We continued on until everyone decided that they were hungry so we went to a restaurant just outside of the city where they had a live band playing. It was interesting and fun to spend that time getting to know some of my cousins and my cousins’ spouses. It appears that I am the only girl to hang out with all the guys here. But it is fun to hang out with the guys because they’re willing to do more things. We left around 11:00pm so that we could get back and get ready to leave for the Coast the next day.

Day 4: July 2nd, Wednesday the Ocean, Sihanoukville and Kampong Som

The day dawned bright and early as we got ready to set out for the Coast. We were taking the 7:30am bus and had to be at the pick-up area fairly early. Throughout the ride there, I was reminded not to speak English or show that I was anything but a native. Apparently, they charge you more if you’re a foreigner. We got to the pick-up area and I found my uncle waiting to see us off. His friend was with him and he wanted to test out his English with me, which I found difficult because I was told not to speak English. It was fine and after saying goodbye, we left for the four-hour journey to the coast.

We passed through two provinces in order to reach the seaside coastal city. Passing through, I took as many pictures as I could. It was nice to nap along the way but when we reached an important roadside shrine, I was forced to get up and out of the bus. My aunt pointed out that I had to make offerings to the shrine and pray for safe travels since it was not only customary, but was considered to be good luck. I did as I was told and then we quickly got on the bus and on to our journey.

Arriving in Sihanoukville, I quickly glimpsed the ocean since the region was hilly and filled with cliffs. I was definitely excited to be going to the ocean because I have never been in ocean water before. It was glorious! The coast stretched out as white, sandy beaches and the water was warm. As soon as we got there, we headed for the beaches, riding tuk-tuks or carts drawn by motorcycles. These were very common and could carry many people. We arrived at the beach, grabbed a table in the sand that was shaded by large straw umbrellas and dropped our bags off. We ordered some food and had lunch since it was around 1:30pm already and we had last eaten around 6:00am.

After the meal, my cousin looked at me and said, “Come on, let’s swim.” So we got undressed and I ran towards the ocean. In Cambodia, wearing swimsuits like in Canada is considered scandalous so I was reduced to wearing a short dress while swimming. It was much better received than my swimsuit would have been. The water was cool and refreshing since the day was so hot. We swam and joked around with my other cousin, who couldn’t swim. We tried teaching him and convincing him that it was okay but to no avail. He refused the entire time. We had so much fun swimming and I knew that I would be sore that night!

That evening, we found a guesthouse and grabbed two rooms. I stayed in a room with my aunt and uncle while my cousins shared a room since they were both guys. Again, propriety is very much observed. We ate dinner in the restaurant attached to the guesthouse and my cousins and I sat outside talking till late that night. It was nice and relaxing, definitely something that I could get used to.

Day 5: July 3rd, Thursday More of the Ocean and Waterfalls at Kbal Chhay

The next day, we were scheduled to leave at 2:00pm so we decided to wander the city for the morning. We rented a tuk-tuk for the day and headed off on a tour after a quick breakfast. I took lots of pictures of the city and saw just how beautiful it is. It had the makings of a resort town and I know that in a couple of years, the area will probably be unrecognizable.

We journeyed across the city towards the hills where the waterfalls of Kbal Chhay were located. After climbing hills and mountains, we finally reached the waterfalls. I was hesitant to try out the water, mostly because of laziness but my cousin convinced me that it would be fun to swim in the water below the falls and to try out the falls themselves. So we got undressed and headed for the falls. It was so much fun! The down-ward pouring water acted like a massager as it hit my back and neck. We had chosen the smaller set of falls to play in, where the water was crystal clear and cool. We climbed the falls, climbed behind the falls, and played in front of them. We wandered the area and played around for an hour or two. After leaving the falls, we headed back to the beach since we still had plenty of time before having to head out. We decided to get back in the water and this time, my aunt would join us but my cousin-in-law wouldn’t. He had had enough and decided that since he couldn’t swim, the ocean really wasn’t his best friend.

We swam the afternoon, had lunch, and then got ready to leave. The day was long and fun but long. The bus ride was just as long as I had remembered and I slept as much as I could along the way. When we arrived back to the city, we headed to my cousin’s again where I was staying. My cousin-in-law, who is very much in love with his wife and new baby girl, was ecstatic to be back.

Day 6: July 4th, Friday Siem Reap

I woke up bright and early this day and got ready for Siem Reap. The temples and ancient structures were a must-see for me since one of my goals in life has been to see the temples. They’re the pride and joy of Cambodia and I had to see them. We sat around for a while, waiting for everyone else to get ready. My cousin had come bright and early because my uncle told him to and we both sat and waited until he decided that we should go to shopping center close by to kill some time. We head for one of the newer ones, stylized after our shopping malls back home. It reminded me of a larger and better version of DragonCity in Toronto. We wandered the building, got some fruit drinks, got some snacks and did a little bit of shopping. I found designer knock-offs and all sorts of things in the mall. After some time, we decided to head back to my cousin’s in order to get ready for Siem Reap.

There were seven of us and one of my little cousins who were leaving for Siem Reap. We piled on the bus, preparing for the 6 hour journey from Phnom Penh to Siem Reap. It was a long bus ride but I took the time to catch up on sleep. We travelled through three provinces before arriving in Siem Reap. We got there around 6:00pm and headed for a guesthouse. I insisted on three rooms so that we could have some space for all of us. Each room had two beds and its own washroom. My relatives were scandalized at the price but I couldn’t help but laugh. My cousin bartered them down to $26 per night for all three rooms so since we were staying for 3 nights, it would cost me $78. There was a balcony and sitting area outside of our rooms so we took advantage of them every evening before setting out again.

That night, we explored the area of Siem Reap called Psa Chaa, or Old Market. There were many restaurants, bars, pubs, and other entertainments, many of which were open twenty-four hours. We ate at a street-side restaurant/vendor and continued our explorations. The night culminated in my cousins, uncle and I sitting on the outdoor patio of the guesthouse and talking. It was nice and calming.

Again, for propriety’s sake, I stayed in a room with my aunt and uncle. And again, I had my own bed. =D

Day 7: July 5th, Saturday Angkor, Prasats, Temples, Climbing Mountains and Karaoke

The next day dawned bright and early as we prepared to wander the temple complexes. There are so many of them and they are huge! Many people doubted that we could see all of them in one day but since we started at 6:00am and continued until around 6:30pm, we managed to see all but one that day.

We started with the famous and majestic Angkor Wat, also known as the smaller temple. The intricate details and grandeur of the structure still remains awe-inspiring as we gazed in wonder at the carvings, bas-reliefs, and sculptures of the temple. We climbed up and down the levels, going everywhere that we were allowed to go and some places that we weren’t. From there, we wandered to the nearby temples and smaller structures associated with Angkor Wat. We wandered in and out, marveling at the intricacies and artistic skills of those long dead who were working with instruments that were so primitive and yet so skillfully handled.

From there, we bargained two tuk-tuk drivers into agreeing to drive us around the whole day in order for us to see all of the temples of the region. We wandered in and out of structures like Angkor Thom, and all of the other complexes. Though close together relatively speaking, they were still very much apart. We climbed up and down temples, wandered through the jungle towards the next and continued throughout the day in much the same way. I lost track of all the temples we saw but according to the map that my cousin obtained, we had wandered them all.

Ta Prohm was absolutely amazing as massive trees were resting upon the walls of the temples. These enormous trees were growing higher and higher above and on top many of the walls and roofs of the structures, with their roots imbedding themselves through the rocks of the structures and into the grounds below. It was amazing to see nature and ancient civilizations clashing in this way. We could not stop marveling at the ingenuity and skill of the long-dead civilization. Their complexities still amaze us today.

We ended the day at Phnom Bakeng, where the temple complex sat on top of a mountain. After climbing the mountain, we had to climb up the steep stairs to the top. The steps were at about a 60 degree angle and jutted out perhaps about 3 inches. It was a haphazard climb but there were lots of people there, many of whom were already at the top. We climbed up to the very top of the main structure, after passing many of its sub-levels until we could see the region stretched out in the distance. Through the trees, we could see Angkor Wat and some of the Prasats in the area. We had climbed up to watch the sunset and realized that we were not the only ones who had that idea. Of course, going up the mountain could be down on elephant-back as well but we decided that using our own legs would be more challenging and impressive. The view was amazing from the top and we sat to wait for the sunset. It was glorious!

By this time, it was around 6:30pm and getting dark fast. We left and followed the crowd down the mountain. We were to meet up with my uncle, who was arriving that night from Phnom Penh with his wife and kids. His two sons are both menaces! My uncle met up with us at the guesthouse and we relaxed a bit before getting ready again. My aunt, uncle, cousins, and my other uncle got ready to go out for dinner while my other aunts stayed in and rested. They were exhausted from a long day of wandering and since all of them were around my father’s age or much older, it was amazing that they held up that long.

After getting back from dinner, we decided to wait until my little cousins fell asleep before heading out. My cousin, aunt, and both my uncles were taking me out that night. We ended up wandering to two clubs, having a couple of drinks, then gave up and went to a karaoke bar. We got a private room and hung out till about 4:00am drinking, talking, singing, and just having fun. We finally got back to the guesthouse, after getting a tad lost, and had about an hour to two hours sleep before heading out again.

Day 8: July 6th, Sunday Phnom Kulen, Sacred Places and Cultural Centers

This day we decided that we were going to rent a twelve-seat van and head to the top of a sacred mountain. We were all told not to say anything negative because it could all come true. The mountain was full of spirits, shrines, and temples. After braving an hour’s ride through mountainous terrain, we took the steep climb up the mountain before arriving at the top. The air was cool and refreshing from the stifling heat of the city. We lit incense and prayed for good luck, good health, and happiness for everyone in the family. Then, following a young boy who acted as our tour guide, we travelled the mountain and explored the nooks and crannies of the Phnom Kulen.

There was a massive carving of the resting Buddha at the top of one of the rock structures. It was probably about twenty feet long and seven or eight feet high. There were the natural hollows and bowls carved into the rock by the elements, the shrines set up along the pathways, and the sacred places among the rocks. We wandered it all and always prayed for good things for the family. After wandering for hours, we decided that it was time for lunch and sat down to eat with everyone in the family.

After, we decided to head for the local waterfalls, where many people often chose to take a dip. My little cousin got undressed until he was stark naked (which I had to laugh at) and tentatively stepped into the water. The water was clear and shallow, rushing through the rocks to pile into the ponds below. My little cousin, his younger brother, decided that he wanted to take dip, too and as my uncle was helping him into the water, he slipped and fell in as well. We couldn’t stop laughing. It was just too funny.

After a harrowing ride back into the city, we stopped off at the last temple, Banteay Srei. After more than 12 hours exploring temples, I was too tired to appreciate what I was seeing so I just wandered with everyone else. The carvings were much clearer and well preserved but after seeing the same things for two days, I just didn’t care anymore. I was exhausted.

We stopped off at the cultural center on our way back to the city and I bought us all tickets to get in. My aunts and uncles protested, since they thought the prices were too outrageous but I insisted. We had come all this way so we should all go. We wandered the area, watching the dancers, exploring the local museum and wax museum but by that time, we were too tired to really care. I have to admit, I fell asleep during one of the dances and by then, we had all had enough. We headed back to the guesthouse where many of us just hung out for the next couple of hours. After buying the bus tickets that would take us home, we went out for dinner and then headed back to the guesthouse. I escaped the kids, who did not sleep the entire day and yet had enough energy to pester us all, and went to hang out with my cousin. I fell asleep watching TV. I woke up repeatedly during the night, mostly because of all of the naps that I took that day. It was fun, but definitely exhausting.

Day 9: July 7th, Monday Back to the City, Long Bus Rides and Screaming Children

The next day, we got ready and headed back to the city. The bus ride was long and arduous. My little cousins are some of the most temperamental and high maintenance kids that I have ever met. Yup, that’s family. I tried to sleep as often as I could, often resting on my cousin, who sat next to me. I did feel bad for him but I was trying to get comfortable, so he got jostled and poked a lot. After a six hour journey, we were finally in the city where we all headed to my cousin’s house. It was about 1:30pm when we arrived, since we left at 7:00am. My cousins and I hung out, taking naps throughout the rest of the day before finally giving up and sleeping. It has been a long, exhausting week.

Day 10: July 8th, Tuesday Relaxing in the City

I’ve spent today sitting around, relaxing in the city. This morning, my uncle took me for a ride through the city as he worked. It was fun but over far too soon. I spent the rest of the day, sitting by the baby’s hammock, catching up on writing, reading, and watching Eastern Promises. That is one bloody movie. So that has been my day. My cousin called and said that he’d pick me up after 6:00pm so that we could go out. We’ll see about that. So here I sit and finish my movie. It’s been crazy thus far and pretty gruesome. I liked it. =D