So he called me last night right after he got back from Miami. I was surprised but not. I just got the feeling that he would call. It was odd but nice to hear his voice again. Sometimes, I start fearing that I'll forget someone's voice or face if there isn't something there to remind me. Pictures don't do anyone justice because you can't see the vivacity and life in their eyes. But for some reason, his voice connects me to him like nothing else does.
He makes me smile. He makes me giddy. He makes me want to reach for the stars. There's something about him that softens my heart.
He came online tonight and we chatted for over an hour. I can't help but believe in his sincerity. I would like to put more faith in this whole thing, whatever it is, but that takes time. I like hearing from him, though.
I am infatuated.
I don't know where he stands and one part of me wants to demand some sort of resolution. But another, stronger part of me wants to just go with it and see where this takes me. I haven't taken this kind of journey in a long time and I really miss the discovery of someone else. The only thing that makes this bareable is the fact that he seems to be suffering from the same kind of high that I am. It's contagious.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
chasing down the right sauce
I arrived at C's door mid afternoon to go to the mall. She was hungry and we thought to pick up supplies for tomorrow night while we were at it. I waited forever at her door and started to wonder if her doorbell was working. Then, I started going through my cell phone to try to send her a message via Facebook to get her ass to the front door. Just when I was starting to give up figuring out how to send a message via my cellphone, the door finally opened. I realized why she hadn't gotten there earlier. Her rug of a dog was going through his progressively worsening schizophrenia again and today decided to hate me. So he attacked my jeans and tried to bite me. I just stood there calmly. I figured he'd get bored eventually and my uggs protected my legs.
We finally left the house and headed for the mall. After 4 hours, we finally decided to go grocery shopping. OH MY GOD. We went all over the city and couldn't find the sauce we needed for hotpot or ya-hon. Just couldn't! It was like they all disappeared or something. WTF?!? Anyway, after a ridiculous amount of time searching, we gave up and went back to C's house. I swear, that sauce is only destined for moms to find. It's got a moms-only label all over it. Can't wait for hotpot tomorrow night, though.
It's funny that I'll be spending new year's eve with 4 other girls. Four other single girls. It's going to be an estrogen-fest. Five single ladies eating, drinking lots of alcohol, and watching chick-flicks. I'm really looking forward to it. =)
We finally left the house and headed for the mall. After 4 hours, we finally decided to go grocery shopping. OH MY GOD. We went all over the city and couldn't find the sauce we needed for hotpot or ya-hon. Just couldn't! It was like they all disappeared or something. WTF?!? Anyway, after a ridiculous amount of time searching, we gave up and went back to C's house. I swear, that sauce is only destined for moms to find. It's got a moms-only label all over it. Can't wait for hotpot tomorrow night, though.
It's funny that I'll be spending new year's eve with 4 other girls. Four other single girls. It's going to be an estrogen-fest. Five single ladies eating, drinking lots of alcohol, and watching chick-flicks. I'm really looking forward to it. =)
Monday, December 29, 2008
three girls + three restaurants + karaoke = video on youtube?
Sunday
This afternoon C and I met up to head to Toronto because we both have lunch dates on Monday afternoon, her with a friend from school and me with an old friend to catch up. We decided to head up early and hang out at her place so we finally got ready and left her parent's house in Hamilton around 5:00pm. The skyway was closed so after a ridiculous amount of time stuck in a traffic jam, we finally got to Burlington's GO station to get dropped off. There, we caught our train, got to Toronto, and met up with J, a friend of C's from school. This was where our adventure really began.
It was about quarter after seven when we met up with J at a cute little 24 hour cafe. We climbed three sets up stairs and finally got to the top, where we ensconced ourselves in a little corner at the back. It was quaint, intimate, and actually a really good place to hang out. I adored it. There, we spent about 4 hours sitting, chatting, laughing, and just having a good time. Many tables filled and emptied in the time that we were there and we didn't notice at all. The conversation followed a familiar theme of dating, men, sex, food, men, and dating. That was soon the trend in our conversation all night. Lots of girl talk surrounding the issue of men and dating interspersed with commentary about recipes and good restaurants. That's my kind of night.
Walking out of the bistro at around 11:00pm, we decided that we weren't quite ready to go home yet and were in fact a little famished. During the conversation at one point, someone had mentioned a craving for fish and/or duck so we headed to Chinatown where restaurants would still be open, even on a Sunday night. We actually found a great little restaurant and ordered congee, rice, bbq duck, and an egg dish with assorted veggies. It was quite good. The sad part of this was that we cleared the dishes after spending 4 hours sitting in the previous restaurant eating sandwiches with coffee and martinis, followed by a sinfully delicious slice of cheesecake. I'm not quite sure what to label these as because it sure wasn't dinner or lunch. I would say it was multiple feeding sessions. Yeah, that's it.
We left the restaurant around 1:30am, after just missing our last bus, since we had to head uptown to get to C's place, so we decided to take a streetcar to catch another 24 hour bus instead. Except, we all heard Backstreet Boys playing somewhere and started to sing along. That led to the bright idea that we should do Karaoke. At 2:00am. On a Sunday. So we headed back across the street to a karaoke bar in the next building. And we sang, danced, and laughed for the hour. Someone had the bright idea that we should take off our shoes and dance on the couches (we were in a private room) and so we did. We laughed and danced so hard that we were all sweating buckets! During a passable rendition of one of Britney's pre-breakdown pop hits, we noticed that there was a group of guys standing outside our door. With their cellphones out. Using the camera function. They were video-taping us! At this point, we all made the connection at the same time and fell to the couches laughing. The guys continued to videotape us for a while before they realized that they weren't going to get anything good so they opened the door and invited us to their room. We were still in hysterics but declined. I wonder if it'll be on youtube. Hmmm...
At around 3:00am, our time ran out and we had to leave the karaoke bar so we headed back to the streetcar. Only to realize that the last one just passed us and that it wasn't a 24 hour line so we ended up walking up Dundas to Yonge from Chinatown. Along the way, we got hungry/thirsty again and wanted smoothies so we ended up at another 24 hour restaurant. At this point, it must have been our third stop for food and only for food.
We sat down, still chatting about men and sex, and just relaxed after a hard session of karaoke. While still at the restaurant, which was surprisingly full at 4:00am, the big group of guys behind our booth started to hit on J. And the rest of us. With such eloquent lines such as, "He's really got yellow fever," and, "It's great. Once you have it then it's it for you." Wonderful pick-up lines. I wonder if they've ever worked. We brushed them off and just continued with our night. At this point, we figured it would be silly to try to bus it home and just waited for the subway to open at 6:00am.
And so, we parted ways with J around 6:10am and headed back to C's place in North York. It's been a hell of a night and it's funny to see so many people starting their days while we have just finished our's. Especially since I think that I'm still a tad famished. Okay, fine. I'm hungry again.
This afternoon C and I met up to head to Toronto because we both have lunch dates on Monday afternoon, her with a friend from school and me with an old friend to catch up. We decided to head up early and hang out at her place so we finally got ready and left her parent's house in Hamilton around 5:00pm. The skyway was closed so after a ridiculous amount of time stuck in a traffic jam, we finally got to Burlington's GO station to get dropped off. There, we caught our train, got to Toronto, and met up with J, a friend of C's from school. This was where our adventure really began.
It was about quarter after seven when we met up with J at a cute little 24 hour cafe. We climbed three sets up stairs and finally got to the top, where we ensconced ourselves in a little corner at the back. It was quaint, intimate, and actually a really good place to hang out. I adored it. There, we spent about 4 hours sitting, chatting, laughing, and just having a good time. Many tables filled and emptied in the time that we were there and we didn't notice at all. The conversation followed a familiar theme of dating, men, sex, food, men, and dating. That was soon the trend in our conversation all night. Lots of girl talk surrounding the issue of men and dating interspersed with commentary about recipes and good restaurants. That's my kind of night.
Walking out of the bistro at around 11:00pm, we decided that we weren't quite ready to go home yet and were in fact a little famished. During the conversation at one point, someone had mentioned a craving for fish and/or duck so we headed to Chinatown where restaurants would still be open, even on a Sunday night. We actually found a great little restaurant and ordered congee, rice, bbq duck, and an egg dish with assorted veggies. It was quite good. The sad part of this was that we cleared the dishes after spending 4 hours sitting in the previous restaurant eating sandwiches with coffee and martinis, followed by a sinfully delicious slice of cheesecake. I'm not quite sure what to label these as because it sure wasn't dinner or lunch. I would say it was multiple feeding sessions. Yeah, that's it.
We left the restaurant around 1:30am, after just missing our last bus, since we had to head uptown to get to C's place, so we decided to take a streetcar to catch another 24 hour bus instead. Except, we all heard Backstreet Boys playing somewhere and started to sing along. That led to the bright idea that we should do Karaoke. At 2:00am. On a Sunday. So we headed back across the street to a karaoke bar in the next building. And we sang, danced, and laughed for the hour. Someone had the bright idea that we should take off our shoes and dance on the couches (we were in a private room) and so we did. We laughed and danced so hard that we were all sweating buckets! During a passable rendition of one of Britney's pre-breakdown pop hits, we noticed that there was a group of guys standing outside our door. With their cellphones out. Using the camera function. They were video-taping us! At this point, we all made the connection at the same time and fell to the couches laughing. The guys continued to videotape us for a while before they realized that they weren't going to get anything good so they opened the door and invited us to their room. We were still in hysterics but declined. I wonder if it'll be on youtube. Hmmm...
At around 3:00am, our time ran out and we had to leave the karaoke bar so we headed back to the streetcar. Only to realize that the last one just passed us and that it wasn't a 24 hour line so we ended up walking up Dundas to Yonge from Chinatown. Along the way, we got hungry/thirsty again and wanted smoothies so we ended up at another 24 hour restaurant. At this point, it must have been our third stop for food and only for food.
We sat down, still chatting about men and sex, and just relaxed after a hard session of karaoke. While still at the restaurant, which was surprisingly full at 4:00am, the big group of guys behind our booth started to hit on J. And the rest of us. With such eloquent lines such as, "He's really got yellow fever," and, "It's great. Once you have it then it's it for you." Wonderful pick-up lines. I wonder if they've ever worked. We brushed them off and just continued with our night. At this point, we figured it would be silly to try to bus it home and just waited for the subway to open at 6:00am.
And so, we parted ways with J around 6:10am and headed back to C's place in North York. It's been a hell of a night and it's funny to see so many people starting their days while we have just finished our's. Especially since I think that I'm still a tad famished. Okay, fine. I'm hungry again.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
chillin' like a villain
Today started out predictably at C's house. I had dropped by at around 4:00am last night and stayed over. Lazed around all day and continued to just chill until late afternoon when I had to get my butt home to meet the Lady. On a side note, the Lady is my mom but I haven't called her mom in years. At least not in English. But anyway, when I got up this morning, I found C's dog using my leg as a pillow. We have a love/hate relationship. Generally, it's based on how schizophrenic he happens to be at the moment. He's a cute little bugger, though, and I guess it proves my mettle as an animal lover that I haven't tried to do him in yet, despite his occasional tendency to use my leg as a chew toy.
After hanging out all morning and afternoon, I finally made it back to my parent's place. The Lady and I were supposed to hang out at the mall and then go to some social function later in the evening but when I emerged from the room where I am currently staying, or at least where my belongings rest, she was gone. I was ditched by my own mother! Eeesh. Talk about ridiculous. Oh well, it just meant that I would have to make other plans, although I would have appreciated more notice.
So the evening inevitably led to me being back at C's house watching Kung Fu Panda and Love Actually with her and her sister. Add a cheap bottle of wine, pizza, and some chicken wings and it became a girl's night in. Except C fell asleep by 9:00pm and her snoring drowned out much of the movie. I found it more funny than anything else and since I've already seen Kung Fu Panda twice, I didn't mind at all. Seriously, it was hilarious! She finally woke up at the end and we moved on to Love Actually.
I love that movie. It represents love in its many stages. New love, unrequited love, untested love, aged love, and the chances that people take for love. There are so many beautiful moments in that movie and it never gets old for me. I think my favorite part is when Colin Firth's character decides to just go for it, even when she didn't speak the same language and they barely understood each other. This particular storyline touched me because just a few short weeks ago, he was betrayed by his girlfriend and his brother yet despite this, he chose to go with his gut instinct and trust again. In spite of all the odds, he took the risk and it was beautiful to watch.
My favorite quote will always be from the little boy who was sitting with his step-father on the bench. "How could anything be worse than the agony of love?" Touche.
After hanging out all morning and afternoon, I finally made it back to my parent's place. The Lady and I were supposed to hang out at the mall and then go to some social function later in the evening but when I emerged from the room where I am currently staying, or at least where my belongings rest, she was gone. I was ditched by my own mother! Eeesh. Talk about ridiculous. Oh well, it just meant that I would have to make other plans, although I would have appreciated more notice.
So the evening inevitably led to me being back at C's house watching Kung Fu Panda and Love Actually with her and her sister. Add a cheap bottle of wine, pizza, and some chicken wings and it became a girl's night in. Except C fell asleep by 9:00pm and her snoring drowned out much of the movie. I found it more funny than anything else and since I've already seen Kung Fu Panda twice, I didn't mind at all. Seriously, it was hilarious! She finally woke up at the end and we moved on to Love Actually.
I love that movie. It represents love in its many stages. New love, unrequited love, untested love, aged love, and the chances that people take for love. There are so many beautiful moments in that movie and it never gets old for me. I think my favorite part is when Colin Firth's character decides to just go for it, even when she didn't speak the same language and they barely understood each other. This particular storyline touched me because just a few short weeks ago, he was betrayed by his girlfriend and his brother yet despite this, he chose to go with his gut instinct and trust again. In spite of all the odds, he took the risk and it was beautiful to watch.
My favorite quote will always be from the little boy who was sitting with his step-father on the bench. "How could anything be worse than the agony of love?" Touche.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
burying the past.
Earlier tonight, I got together with my ex-boyfriend for some coffee and conversation. We often get together every once in a while to talk and update each other on our lives. We have been broken up for about 5 months now and we've maintained contact. Not regular contact but contact nonetheless. I look back at the 3 years that we were together and I have little regret. I lived, I loved, and I learned a lot about myself and about what I want or don't want. He will always be a good memory in my heart but he will never again be my heart.
Throughout the night, one thing really struck me about the two of us. Although we failed to make it work, we're still making the same mistake that led to our breakup in the first place. We grew apart and became different people with different wants and needs. I wanted and needed things that he could not provide and I was definitely not the person that he wanted or needed. I loved who he was but he's no longer that person and I am no longer the person that he loved. And that's okay. There's something bittersweet about realizing that you've grown beyond a person and beyond who you once were. I loved him once but I will never be in love with him again.
I have loved and loved well, and I have experienced heartbreak. Yet, at the end of the day I am ready to love again, even knowing that heartache is a real possibility. It would be cowardly of me to give up because of fear, but what do I really have to fear? The journey to love means that I am able to discover and learn about the heart and soul of another. That knowledge is priceless and worth everything when it means that I can share such a wonderous miracle with another person.
Throughout the night, one thing really struck me about the two of us. Although we failed to make it work, we're still making the same mistake that led to our breakup in the first place. We grew apart and became different people with different wants and needs. I wanted and needed things that he could not provide and I was definitely not the person that he wanted or needed. I loved who he was but he's no longer that person and I am no longer the person that he loved. And that's okay. There's something bittersweet about realizing that you've grown beyond a person and beyond who you once were. I loved him once but I will never be in love with him again.
I have loved and loved well, and I have experienced heartbreak. Yet, at the end of the day I am ready to love again, even knowing that heartache is a real possibility. It would be cowardly of me to give up because of fear, but what do I really have to fear? The journey to love means that I am able to discover and learn about the heart and soul of another. That knowledge is priceless and worth everything when it means that I can share such a wonderous miracle with another person.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
the meaning of family
Today is Christmas and in the midst of texting Christmas messages and well wishes to all my friends and loved ones, I decided to take the family out for dinner. By default, we decided to be Buddhist this Christmas and this means no gifts. This isn't new for me because usually I'm the one giving, which I don't really mind. My brothers got me a mini laptop a few weeks ago and that was really all I wanted. Anywho, when I finally woke up I had decided that my Christmas contribution to the family would be taking them out for dinner so we made reservations for six people for 6:00pm at a local Chinese restaurant.
When I said family, it turns out everyone in my immediate family decided to come. Including my dad. Big mistake. I have never had an easy relationship with my father and this has not changed throughout the years. In fact, it has grown worse. When I was young, my relationship with him consisted of mutual disregard and mutual disinterest. My personal theory is that he never really quite forgave me for not being a boy but I'm sure there are other theories that abound. This disinterest has moved to mutual distrust and sometimes even hatred on both our parts. I can't reconcile the person he is with the one that he claims to be. He can't reconcile the person I am with the one he wants me to be. So, we are at an impasse.
In recent years, things have really degenerated. My brother turned and looked at me across the dinner table earlier and asked, "Does he know that we all hate him?" I highly doubt it. My father is very self-absorbed and pompous. He has yet to realize that I absolutely loathe him. It is quite a quandary. I love him because he is my father but I hate the person that he is. His actions in the last year and a half have done nothing to endear him to me or anyone else in our family. I am quite certain that he does not realize that he has managed to alienate everyone in the family. Quite an accomplishment, that.
And so, I sat at the table, wondering what has become of my family. The illusions of family and comfort have long since vanished for me and the worse part of the holidays is knowing that not even the illusion exists. It's bittersweet but reality often is.
I dream of constancy, family, and comfort in the middle of the night. I dream of having what I have never had. Security. My greatest Christmas wish is for my family to be happy and for just once being able to find comfort and security in someone's arms.
When I said family, it turns out everyone in my immediate family decided to come. Including my dad. Big mistake. I have never had an easy relationship with my father and this has not changed throughout the years. In fact, it has grown worse. When I was young, my relationship with him consisted of mutual disregard and mutual disinterest. My personal theory is that he never really quite forgave me for not being a boy but I'm sure there are other theories that abound. This disinterest has moved to mutual distrust and sometimes even hatred on both our parts. I can't reconcile the person he is with the one that he claims to be. He can't reconcile the person I am with the one he wants me to be. So, we are at an impasse.
In recent years, things have really degenerated. My brother turned and looked at me across the dinner table earlier and asked, "Does he know that we all hate him?" I highly doubt it. My father is very self-absorbed and pompous. He has yet to realize that I absolutely loathe him. It is quite a quandary. I love him because he is my father but I hate the person that he is. His actions in the last year and a half have done nothing to endear him to me or anyone else in our family. I am quite certain that he does not realize that he has managed to alienate everyone in the family. Quite an accomplishment, that.
And so, I sat at the table, wondering what has become of my family. The illusions of family and comfort have long since vanished for me and the worse part of the holidays is knowing that not even the illusion exists. It's bittersweet but reality often is.
I dream of constancy, family, and comfort in the middle of the night. I dream of having what I have never had. Security. My greatest Christmas wish is for my family to be happy and for just once being able to find comfort and security in someone's arms.
the times they are a-changing.
As it has been pointed out to me, it's been months since I've updated this thing. I'm not a regular blogger and in some ways, this is my attempt to keep a diary. My written diary is rarely used as it is but I think I'll make it a new year resolution to actually use this blog. Here goes:
For the last 5 months or so, I've been single. The first time I've been single in over three years and it's been nice. I've rediscovered myself and all the people around me. There's a difference between the friends I made in childhood and those I have found as my life has progressed along its course. I have been extremely lucky in that those friends that I made when I was too young to realize just how important a friend was are the same people who are still a part of my life today. They have supported me and have been there for me through all the trials and tribulations of our youths. We have faced the challenges posed to us by the very fact of growing up and discovering who we are individually and yet, here we are again; together. The years have definitely passed and I feel different now than I did 5 or 6 years ago and yet, these ladies are still the ones holding constant in my life. I am more than grateful, I am blessed.
As we move towards the years ahead, I question the challenges that we have yet to face. One thing I am sure: we have survived and thrived to grow stronger and it has not been without the support of each other. We will continue to do so; together.
For the last 5 months or so, I've been single. The first time I've been single in over three years and it's been nice. I've rediscovered myself and all the people around me. There's a difference between the friends I made in childhood and those I have found as my life has progressed along its course. I have been extremely lucky in that those friends that I made when I was too young to realize just how important a friend was are the same people who are still a part of my life today. They have supported me and have been there for me through all the trials and tribulations of our youths. We have faced the challenges posed to us by the very fact of growing up and discovering who we are individually and yet, here we are again; together. The years have definitely passed and I feel different now than I did 5 or 6 years ago and yet, these ladies are still the ones holding constant in my life. I am more than grateful, I am blessed.
As we move towards the years ahead, I question the challenges that we have yet to face. One thing I am sure: we have survived and thrived to grow stronger and it has not been without the support of each other. We will continue to do so; together.
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