the meaning of family

Today is Christmas and in the midst of texting Christmas messages and well wishes to all my friends and loved ones, I decided to take the family out for dinner. By default, we decided to be Buddhist this Christmas and this means no gifts. This isn't new for me because usually I'm the one giving, which I don't really mind. My brothers got me a mini laptop a few weeks ago and that was really all I wanted. Anywho, when I finally woke up I had decided that my Christmas contribution to the family would be taking them out for dinner so we made reservations for six people for 6:00pm at a local Chinese restaurant.

When I said family, it turns out everyone in my immediate family decided to come. Including my dad. Big mistake. I have never had an easy relationship with my father and this has not changed throughout the years. In fact, it has grown worse. When I was young, my relationship with him consisted of mutual disregard and mutual disinterest. My personal theory is that he never really quite forgave me for not being a boy but I'm sure there are other theories that abound. This disinterest has moved to mutual distrust and sometimes even hatred on both our parts. I can't reconcile the person he is with the one that he claims to be. He can't reconcile the person I am with the one he wants me to be. So, we are at an impasse.

In recent years, things have really degenerated. My brother turned and looked at me across the dinner table earlier and asked, "Does he know that we all hate him?" I highly doubt it. My father is very self-absorbed and pompous. He has yet to realize that I absolutely loathe him. It is quite a quandary. I love him because he is my father but I hate the person that he is. His actions in the last year and a half have done nothing to endear him to me or anyone else in our family. I am quite certain that he does not realize that he has managed to alienate everyone in the family. Quite an accomplishment, that.

And so, I sat at the table, wondering what has become of my family. The illusions of family and comfort have long since vanished for me and the worse part of the holidays is knowing that not even the illusion exists. It's bittersweet but reality often is.

I dream of constancy, family, and comfort in the middle of the night. I dream of having what I have never had. Security. My greatest Christmas wish is for my family to be happy and for just once being able to find comfort and security in someone's arms.